Ups and Downs

As I reread some older posts and have just posted an entry from several days ago (obviously quite belatedly), I begin to wonder if the (inevitable?) decline in frequency of blogging has already begun. <shrugs>

This was a strange week. From a work perspective, it wasn't that difficult. In fact, I accomplished barely anything at all. I also got at least nine hours of sleep two of the days. Nevertheless, I end the week very tired. I supposed it doesn't help that the other days I got between two and five hours of sleep, tops. I just can't seem to get into bed at a decent hour on the nights when I exercise.

I think a major reason for the lowness is that this week was a trying one with respect to my gay posse (I need a better collective reference for them; will work on that shortly - suggestions welcome). I had lunch with Papí on Wednesday, which went relatively well. We were at least able to come up with enough topics to sustain us through a one-hour-or-so lunch, but if it had lasted much longer than that, I think we would have been approaching awkward silence territory, which makes me feel bad. I don't mind awkward silences as long as there is opportunity for distraction, whether solitary or mutual. It's times like that when not having physical access to them publicly (whether due to fears of homophobia or simply because they don't want to be seen "cheating") really grates on me. Anyway, we had a fantastic kiss from floors one through twenty-five on the way back; he exited the elevator exclaiming, "That was intense!". I lied through my teeth during lunch about not having done anything with FREd since the "special hug" way back in November, but given how my kissing technique has changed (improved?), I suspect he knows that I am deceiving him. Not sure if that will come back to bite me in the ass later or not, but if that doesn't, something else will, I'm virtually certain now. I thought all this lying and general Deception would be fun and edgy, but it's actually very straining.

Thursday was lunch with Jim (not sure what alias to use for him, but there are so many Jim's, both in my Life and the World, that I think I'm pretty safe here), which I was not looking forward to at all (I need to learn how to say "No."). Both he and Papí had gone together to a Lady GaGa concert the previous Sunday, so I heard all the same stories Papí relayed again during this encounter, which wasn't so bad since it was occupying Time. During the actual meal, I asked him about his recent purchase of a TENS unit for erotic use (I was given this as a reference, but it looks like you have to register to view the forums. I think these are an adequate representation of what is being used). He fiddled with his phone (a bad habit which I agree with FREd on; if you're visiting with somebody in person, give him or her your full attention unless it's an emergency. Now watch, as soon as I get a phone [the twelfth of Never, I know], I will immediately partake in the same bad habit) and eventually produced a video of one of his sessions. At first he didn't show me, all coy-like, and then asked if he should send it to Papí. (Possibly) quite foolishly, I egged him on, even saying that he should tell him that I was the one who suggested it be sent. He summarily did so and then wouldn't let me watch it for fear of the people behind me seeing it (not like his face was in it or anything). On the way back, he did show me, and I was pretty unimpressed, with both him and the act itself. At least I can claim I've "seen" another dick of a "real" person, albeit not live, and I'm fine with that (why I should even be sufficiently preoccupied with that count to even mention it makes me tangibly uneasy, as it probably should). He's actually probably the "thickest" of the three, although in clothes you would never know, which is the only real plus I could see about him physically besides his eyes and goatee (and by "thickest", I mean his abdomen, not his dick - just wanted to clarify that for the size-queens and haters out there). That notwithstanding, I am concerned about what the sharing of the video was intended to mean on his part. Is this the prelude to his proposing a physical encounter? (Does asking that question make me even vainer than I quite possibly already/actually am?) If so, I'm uninterested (although I will contradict myself on that to some extent below). Let's just say, for the time being, the thought is offensive. I get just such a sleazy vibe from him, and based on his accounts of his activities, that's not an unfounded perception.

OK, I have to interrupt the flow here to mention that The Mother just complained that it "may have snowed a little" (in the context of having to drive to go grocery shopping tomorrow, and I'm the one doing the driving by the way). The woman cannot withstand even the slightest bit of precipitation. I don't get it! It's maddening!

Now, my high school rumor mill impulse got the better of me, and I of course shared the whole account (including a story related to a little accident involving the TENS unit that I'm not revealing here) with FREd over coffee later that afternoon. He was, of course, mortified, which was the desired effect. However, my comeuppance was quick to arrive, as I had told both Jim and Papí that I had to "run around for a while" via IM before leaving to see FREd (intended to be vague, especially for Papí's sake). Of course, whom do we see leaving the building to go home when the two of us come back? That's right, Papí and Jim. Given that Papí doesn't like FREd (it's as simple as that, whether he admits to that freely and unabashedly or not) or my consorting with him, it did look pretty bad since I had been vague in my IM, which he (correctly) assumed was intentional. I got a very curt goodbye from him and the expression on his face was definitely not a happy one. I think he completely ignored FRED, or was certainly "aloof" to his presence, as FREd puts it so often.

Jim was a little more congenial when he saw us together, but I can only assume he thought I had been relaying his stories directly to FREd as a matter of course. I could be wrong, but I always assume the worst. Again, it simply didn't look good. I didn't hear from him at all on Friday, but at least Papí sent an e-mail goodbye before he left for the three-day weekend, which I guess is a good sign. The point of the somewhat oversold story is that juggling these three and their mutual distaste for each other is, again, not nearly as fun as mainstream media (e.g., what I can only assume TV shows like Desperate Housewives espouse) would have one believe. That may be an unfair assessment or conclusion, but probably not by much.

Most importantly, the "clandestine" lunch with FREd today was extremely awkward (it was left off our work calendars lest Papí or Jim saw it after the Thursday debacle; giving them access to my calendar was almost certainly a weak moment on my part, a shortsighted attempt at openness). I had wanted to go to Giordano's for some pasta since somebody around me had some that was smelling good, but he had to get back earlier than normal since his boss was after him (he's been paranoid about that lately...), so he suggested Sopraffina instead. Their pasta sauces are so greasy, but I acquiesced to be flexible. Of course, they were out of the pasta when we got there (how does that happen at an Italian restaurant?!!?!), so we had to make a hasty decision to go to Jimmy John's instead, which would have been fine had I not had it earlier in the week. We ended up going to the Aon cafeteria to actually eat, and as mentioned earlier, I was already pretty tired, so my defenses were lowered. I made the mistake of talking about work, which then went on for too long, again, although not as bad as mentioned in a prior entry. Nevertheless, it got me in a worse mood. He could tell (it is hard to hide my feelings from him I've found), and so he probed. I had no strength to deflect, so I was probably a little more open about my negative feelings/concerns regarding our "relationship", which have served as ambient noise in my mind recently and have served to materially affect my mood. It's getting too late to go into much more detail without delaying this post (which is not a habit I want to get into), so suffice it to say that the entire conversation from then on was far too sullen, somber, and sobering for what I would have wanted on a Friday afternoon after a long week. He even stated this obvious fact on the walk back (he has a habit of doing that, which I think is done entirely purposefully; sometimes he almost feels like the narrator, a third-party, recalling the conversation and its tone immediately after, like what I don't know). I was visibly unnerved and stammering as we walked back, but I guess the positive part is that he looked very concerned. We did hug on the elevator ride up, which is certainly a rarer event with him than with Papí, so that helped a little.

We got together again around 4:30 PM so I could give him back the Blu-Ray player he got me for Christmas (to return, he gave me cash instead; in retrospect, I see shades of Ð here) and luckily things went a little bit more swimmingly this time around. We discussed more (although still not enough, and certainly not in the best location, an underground parking garage) about how I have significant reservations about where our relationship will go (particularly physically) come February and later when he and his partner are scheduled to go into therapy (if I understand correctly) regarding a "marital issue" I will censor here for the moment, but which is probably obvious. I can't help thinking that if they work out their issue, I will likely not have any physical outlet for the foreseeable future (how selfish am I!?!). Opportunities with (and possibly Desire for) Papí have been and likely will continue to flatline for the time being. Other than that, I have no guaranteed (and that's stretching it) access. It was "OK" before when the encounters with Papí were as infrequent as they were, but now that I've had such a more densely populated experience with FREd, it has, quite naturally in my opinion, increased my appetite for regular access. Should that end, I don't know what I will do or how I will necessarily feel. FREd has put in my mind (quite rightfully so and likely in my best interest, if not selfishly also) that being intimate with Papí or Jim carries more risk than I originally assigned to it. However, if he has to cut me off physically, I can't say I that I won't take the "low-hanging fruit" (that's mean, I know) despite its possibly being rotten. I want to say that I hope things work out with his partner via this therapy or counseling or whatever it is (honestly, mostly because it's the "right" way to feel, especially if I'm a "true" friend), but I struggle to keep myself believing that.

Reading the post above, you might get the impression that the week wasn't really that bad on a relative basis, which it probably wasn't. I think it was more of the fact that it had so many up's and down's in a relatively short period of time (lots of sleep, then too little; good lunch, not-so-good lunch; good conversation, bad conversation) that ultimately ran me down to where I am now.

Speaking of being run down, I've already spent at least an hour on this post and I still have to exercise and get up early tomorrow to help The Mother with errands (the new drill, I'm not liking it). It does feel good, though, to have gotten this all "down on paper". Hopefully I can make this weekend productive, especially since I have to work Monday, unlike most of my colleagues.