Letdown and Exhaustion

Again, it's been a while since I last wrote anything, and frankly, there's little excuse except that I've been lazy. I will note that October 2010 was the most difficult month at work in a *long* time. The combination of setting quarterly reserves, doing quarterly reporting, and the slew of miscellaneous data/analysis requests made of me due to a "fire drill" forced me to work harder than I have in what seems like ages. I even came into the office once or twice and I know I worked a couple of days from home, not to mention several late, late nights. These first two weeks of November have also not let up as much I had wanted, so I'm looking forward to what should be an easier week this week, as well as Thanksgiving break, although the latter is already compromised by having to go my brother's place up in Wisconsin. I'm trying to remain positive, but it's not easy.

I also noticed that October saw a great deal of retreat in terms of my social interaction. I cancelled lunches and other engagements left and right, and not just with the typical work people (I think I turned Papí's husband down at least twice, a fact he pointed out very directly in his last e-mail, so I fear I may have angered him a bit, although Papí disagrees). I was tired and just couldn't handle it. I also have become very conscious, more than ever, as I've noticed it many times before, of just how different I am in textual interactions (IM, e-mail) versus in person (I won't even address being on the phone as it's a lost cause). For example, I am capable of making Papí and FREd lol all the time on IM, and always have something to say, ask, or otherwise discuss, but as soon as I'm there in person, the conversation (at least from my end) dries right up. It's very disturbing. I suspect it has something to do with the lack of immediacy of the other media and the ability for me to use the Internet as a source of material upon which to draw. I definitely have to work on it, no matter what, but I don't know how. I suspect it will simply be a matter of increased experience, but I'm also worried that the longer I engage in this reduced amount of socializing, the more difficult it will be to actually force myself to undergo that additional exposure.

Anyway, I need to write these blog posts more often, and I think I'm often intimidated to do so because I think they have to be perfect. So, in an effort to dispel that obsession, I'm going to try simply writing (relatively) short bullet points just to get items of interest out there before I forget, and not worry so much if they're not brilliant or detailed or what have you. Admittedly, I've done the bullet point over true prose thing before (actually, almost every time), but I'm really going to try to focus on being somewhat succinct just to get more of my thoughts "on paper". And with that rationalization firmly in place, here we go with items since I last wrote:

• Still on Accutane therapy. Was on 120mg the last two months since I last posted, and I would have preferred to have been at 160mg for at least one of those months. I finally got my wish with this latest appointment in early November. However, the side effects, which I claimed were not that bad when I last wrote, came back with a vengeance in the interim, including nosebleeds/runny nose and a rash on the hands at times. We'll see how much worse they get once I start 160mg (I've rationed out my prior prescription instead of going straight to 160mg since I want the total time to be maximized, not total dosage per day, mostly because I'm convinced it's all going to come back soon after I'm off it).
  
• Anxiety about my age continues to come and go now on a semi-regular basis. I don't look forward to turning 30 in this state.
  
• I've started doing Kegel exercises in an attempt to ward off the ED and to enhance my orgasms. It's helped, but not as much as I wanted or as consistently as I'd like either. However, I simply may not have worked my number of sets/reps up to the level I need to. I've had a regimen I printed from the Internet lying on my desk for a good deal of the last two months, but have not fully read it let alone implemented it. I have a tendency to do that with any new exercise regimen. I'm so afraid of change and the possibility of it not working, and the resulting consequences (i.e., loss of gains), that I never actually get around to changing anything. I need to fix that, both here, and with my regular lifting workout, as my gains have been stagnating, or even outright decreasing. Maybe over this upcoming break I can finally get started.
  
• I wanted to buy a matching hat for the coat I bought with H in Boyztown several months ago, but upon inspecting it again before my prospective purchase, I discovered that one of those security tags that explodes ink all over the garment when tampered with is still on it. =( The first annoying thing about that is that I now have to go all the way back to the store and have that removed. The even more annoying thing is that when I went to go tell The Mother the news, I had said, "Remember that coat I bought with [H]?". She then says, "You mean the one that screams 'gay'?". It was downhill from there, at least in terms of that immediate conversation. I guess she was right when she said we would never see eye to eye on issues of dress. We'll see what others say once they see it on me, although everybody I've described it to says it's not gay and she's overreacting. <shrugs>
  
• Speaking of her overreacting, this last Wednesday night I left a candle burning downstairs after I had turned in for the evening (it had been a long night as I had worked a couple hours from home *and* exercised, all on a work night, so I was expectedly out of it as I headed upstairs to bed). I came home Thursday night and she was upset and said I was no longer allowed to burn candles down there. We haven't been on truly speaking terms since. I'm annoyed both because I'm being treated like a teenager (at best) and also that I must have close to $150 worth of candles down there that are basically useless (including a couple FREd gave to me as gifts). Admittedly, it was my fault, but it's just overkill in terms of her response. I'm holding my ground for now, but I don't know if I'll win this one. It is her house, after all, so I guess it's her rules. It's times like these that I really wish I had my own place. =/
  
• With respect to the bar incident with FREd I discussed at length in my last post…yeah, that kind of went nowhere. A short period after that encounter, we were walking back from having lunch together at work and he did offer to have another of those sessions with me where we hold each other for hours on end (oh, how I miss that). I initially hesitated in that moment, realizing that it could make things more difficult if we crossed that line again (although I guess we already had to some extent based on that evening at the bar). He made an explicit mention of how he was making this offer almost in an attempt to give me more say, or more directly, more power in the relationship. I countered, in my typically overanalytical way, that he could be trying to give me something I really didn't have or couldn't keep or something like that, and he was taken aback, having realized that he maybe hadn't thought this one through all the way. Regardless, I texted him (via e-mail) that same night saying my answer was yes to such an encounter and that the ball was in his court. I figured I was getting another chance, and I might not get another one, so I had to act fast.
  

  Unfortunately, nothing came of it right away. I don't recall bringing it up, as I didn't want to pressure him. A couple of weeks later (I think), we had another lunch and I asked how he was doing with progress with his partner, and he said that things had actually been improving markedly. I was immediately saddened by this (which I know is selfish; there is a part of me that is happy they're doing better), and I got around to asking what that meant for the offer he had made, and he basically said we had to table that for the time being, *AGAIN*. I was mad, but didn't say so. Instead, I did my usual thing where I go all kind of distracted and unresponsive, and the rest of the lunch was rather quiet (we walked back soon after). I remember thinking on the walk back that I wanted to reject the inevitable hug in the elevator, but I obliged him anyway. However, it was definitely the coldest hug we had ever had together, and I could tell he knew that and how I felt (he even admitted explicitly so in a later conversation). This was right before a weekend (either a Thursday or Friday), and I know we didn't talk at all until at least the next Monday or Tuesday. I remember that weekend being furious with him and talking out loud to myself for hours about how I was through with this back and forth and running hot and cold, but I ultimately calmed down and we talked it through at some point later the next week. I'm glad we did, but I'm still genuinely disappointed that I really think our truly intimate period is over, for better or for worse. =( Oh well. For now, we're on pretty good terms, but we haven't done a lot lately since he's been super busy, both at work and at home. Also, he's usually pretty occupied during the holidays and is out of town a lot then too, and then before you know it, it's year-end time, and then we're both screwed since we're so busy with work. As such, I don't hold out much hope for a lot of interaction in the next three or four months, which is sad, but may also be good. I need to be not so attached to him, it's as simple as that.
  

• Speaking of FREd, I fucked up his birthday gift by not getting to his desk on time when I stayed late the night before. I took too long actually writing out the card (at work), and then got distracted by doing some actual work, and before I knew it, it was after 8 PM, and I no longer have access to his floor after that hour, so I missed surprising him with it on his chair when he walked in on his actual birthday. =( I also didn't get a chance to see him on his birthday since he was busy and left while I was out getting lunch. I even forgot to bring it to him when we met up the next week, so I *still* have it in my desk at work as I write this. I feel quite bad about it, especially since he kind of went all out for my birthday this year, but he says he doesn't mind. I guess I'm lucky he's not one who gets all excited about their birthday (something he's stressed many times in the past, i.e., he's not saying it just as a result of this incident to make me feel better, or at least that's how it's to be taken if he is true to his word).
  
• I don't look forward to the holidays, at all, especially having to get gifts. At least Papí's will be easy, as I'm getting him an iPhone 4 like I got T an iPhone 3GS for her birthday a while back. If The Dowager knew that I'd gotten two people phones and yet *I* still don't have one, she'd throw a shit fit!
  
• Finally created an iTunes account today to try to redeem a gift card I got from last year's family Christmas gift game. So far, I'm not that impressed by iTunes, at all. Amazon.com's download service or even regular CDs seem to be cheaper. Even the selection is not what I expected. Then again, I've only started. I hope it changes my mind.
  
• I have a movie and dinner date with Papí scheduled for this Friday (or at least I think it's just with him, it could be with his husband, too; I *really* need to find out). I'm not sure how much I really want to go to be honest. This will be the first movie I've seen in like maybe half a year and even longer since I went where I would have make-out opportunities. I find myself very unattracted to Papí these days, and I don't know quite how to get that across without insulting him. One of my coworkers suggested I allow myself to be kissed, but just make it really uncomfortable, like I did when I hugged FREd when I was angry; hopefully the point will be taken and it won't be an immediate issue. I just feel bad because I feel like I have no right to turn any willing body away. I have a bad feeling I was attracted to him more at the very beginning because he was the first person (of any objective attractiveness) that showed interest in me, and in a pretty unrelenting way, and I just went with it because I was sick of waiting. It's not to say he's not attractive at all, or even objectively so like I just cited, but I just don't feel that into it. I often feel like I'm "cheating" on FREd, too, which is almost unreal, and certainly absurd. The bad part is that Papí actually was deprssed for the past few months, and after finally going to his doctor, he found out it was due to low testosterone. If he gets his libido back and comes after me, it will be a delicate situation to have to navigate. <shrugs>
  

I think that's the bulk of it since I last wrote. Even if not, I have to get better at just jumping on and scribbling down a couple of bullet points as they come to me instead of writing book-length entries that try to be more than they are.

I just hope I can squeeze some value out of the last six weeks of this year, but as usual, I'll keep my expectations low in hopes I'm pleasantly surprised, or at least not terribly disappointed. Gotta go exercise now and get to bed.

Welcome to "Setbacks", the Bar of Confusion

It's been over three months now since I last blogged, a rate of posting that I did not anticipate or prefer when I started this endeavor as a New Year's resolutions of sorts. I'm not sure that will actually change (probably not; possibly self-fulfilling, but also realistic), but after the events from last night/this morning, I figured this was a good time to get an entry in, if only as a means to an end, that end being some kind of awareness or understanding of what the fuck is going on in my Life.

A couple of events have transpired in those three months, although not as many as I would have liked, but I can't afford to disavow progress of any kind. One is that I'm back on Accutane therapy. I was on a regimen of topical retinoids, and both topical and oral antibiotics for months (at least three). Nothing was really working and there were side effects (rash, gastrointestinal issues) to boot. Plus, slathering topical gel all over my upper body each night was adding a good 10 to 15 minutes to my nightly routine, which, when already only getting 4 hours of sleep on an average work night when I exercised, was not acceptable. As of this writing, I've been on 120 mg of isotretinoin for two months now with my next appointment on Monday. The difference is, again like before, night and day. Is it perfect? No. Does it have side effects of its own? Yes (however, they're not as extreme as last time). But, am I reasonably satisfied? Yes, thank God, honestly. It's certainly not the cure-all in terms of my self-confidence, but it has helped immensely. The question is how long my dermatologist will let me stay on it. I'm hoping she'll up my dosage to 160 mg tomorrow and that I can stay on it for at least another two or three months (I was on it for six months last time). As long as I'm on it, my skin is essentially clear, but once I'm off, I have only precedent to guide me in expecting that it will probably all come back again, something that inspires dread in me, literally. However, that is a worry for another day. The basic premise is that this is a pretty good thing, I must admit.

The next major event is that I turned 29. Yes, the last year of the twenties. I had a vague sense of anxiety starting at maybe 27, but prior to that, I never really felt like I would be the sort of person who worries about milestone birthdays. However, as I now accelerate rapidly toward the thirties, I begin to realize how much time I have wasted. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be enough to get me to really change anything in any material way. H and I sort of made a pact to make this last year a time to take on new initiatives in the directions we wanted to go, and I believe she has done so to an excellent degree, but I mostly stagnate. There is one step I have taken, which I describe below, but first some more (mostly) happy words about the actual birthday (some details might be slightly off since it's been a while and my memory is highly selective):

I had taken the actual day (a Friday) off, and it was the first day off of my "summer vacation" where I would be off for the next ten or eleven days or so. I had been kind of quiet about the fact that it was my birthday, and I really wasn't expecting much in terms of seeing anybody. I didn't even think FREd was off that Friday, but Thursday he asked what I was doing and if he could spend the day with me. I apparently had been almost too quiet that week for his tastes (I may have been off work IM that week or something), as he expressed concern about almost being shut-out and feeling bad about possibly not being able to be with me on my birthday, which I found very sweet. Naturally, I agreed we should do something and we planned to spend the day at Old Orchard mall.

The day of, I got up pretty early for a day off and got dressed, having informed the Dowager (aka the Mother) that I would be going out with FREd. I had a slight sense of guilt knowing that this was the first time in a while (if ever?) that I had spent a birthday with a friend (let alone somebody like FREd) instead of my parent(s). However, guilt sky-rocketed once she saw what I was wearing: a tight fitted T-shirt and some pretty tight (although not really obscene) white jean shorts I had bought the day before at Macy's after having lunch with Papí's husband (he said they looked good). She was so taken aback that while I called FREd from downstairs, she had locked herself in her room. I was like, "this is *not* the right way to start off a day that is supposed to be really important to me," so instead of being my usual non-confrontational self, I knocked on her door and went in. She had a tissue on her lap and had apparently been crying. I told her that I felt good about how I looked and not objectified or degraded in any way, but that didn't register with her. I didn't know what else to say, and she eventually just said that it wasn't an area we would ever agree on and that I should just go out and have fun. I'm not sure how much she truly meant the "have fun" part, but I wasn't going to let her get me down, so I closed the door behind me and waited for FREd.

Anyway, FREd picked me up and we arrived at Old Orchard on a beautiful day. It wasn't too crowded either. We looked around a bit, went to the new Yankee candle store, and I saw a scent I liked (after commenting on how I would have preferred one that was designed to smell like his pits, which we both found amusing and arousing, as intended). Part of his gift for me was actually a Yankee candle, so he insisted that he buy the one I had found and return the other. He has a thing about people being willing to return gifts they don't like and getting something they really do, which I find kind of cute in a quirky way, so I was happy to indulge him. After looking around a bit more, we settled into a nice booth by a window at the Cheesecake Factory and had a very good meal with equally good conversation. We talked about how the Dowager reacted for quite a while, which helped a bit. Later, he said he had to use the washroom (which maybe he did), but when he came back he had actually gone to the car and brought up my gift (he was a little out of breath, it was quite endearing). I also had gotten him a card thanking him for the relationship we had forged, and most importantly, with a line in it isolated at the bottom of the message that said, "I love you." I also intended to pay for the meal even though it was my birthday. This was inspired by what happened on his birthday back in 2009 where he surprised me with a gift on his own birthday, so I thought that turnabout was fair play. Anyway, we exchanged "gifts", as it were, and he had gotten me two cards, one pornographic, which was of course appreciated, but also a more "serious" one, which he signed with "Love", which was very important to me. I then started opening my gifts, each of which he had chosen with a particular sense in mind, and with both us being very sensual people, I thought that was highly appropriate. They were as follows: sight - season one of Hung, smell - the Yankee candle, taste - a bag of M&Ms, hearing - Now That's What I Call Music! volume 33, and most importantly, touch - cash to buy a Fleshlight (they were all out of stock in stores as that week was the week of Pride or whatever). The best thing about it was that since the Fleshlights were unavailable, it sort of made a follow-up visit the next weekend a certainty so we could go pick them up together (he wanted one, too). He had to go shortly after that, though, and unfortunately the only real physical contact we had was a hug in the car in an empty parking lot on Church street (it was funny how I could tell he was looking for some place to pull over as he was driving me home). Hugs in the car (even with seatbelts off) are never as good since it's so damn awkward and you're only in contact from the waist up, not even, but it was still nice to have that much. I want to say that he kissed me on my neck as he hugged me, but I know I didn't reciprocate since I didn't think we were doing that anymore. Again, I still appreciated and enjoyed it. I got home, and I initially got the cold shoulder from the Dowager, but she eventually brought out my gifts and we had some coffee and cake in the kitchen, so at least things ended on a reasonably OK note with her as well. The maternal drama notwithstanding, though, it was probably the best birthday I had ever had, and I still need to write FREd's thank you card for that and make sure I express that to him.

Now, writing that bloated paragraph (I need to work on proper paragraphing and thought-grouping) took longer than expected by far, and I need to get to the incident of last night/this morning, so I'm gonna have to skip over some other things that deserve attention, like the day we got the Fleshlight and some trips to gay bars with Papí and H, but those are actually all related and correspond to probably the only truly major advance I've made these last three months, namely, my "return" to the gay bar "scene" (although that might be jumping the gun a bit).

So, last night I got a call from FREd around 7:45 PM (unexpected because he doesn't like to call the house; reason: The Dowager, further emphasizing the need for my own cell phone [it's actually getting pathetic at this point]). He wanted to know if I wanted to go to Sidetracks. I kind of hemmed and hawed since this was kind of last minute (which he acknowledged, although he had sent a text to my e-mail earlier, I just hadn't signed on at all yet that day). However, he was very animated on the phone and I could tell that he was bordering on hyper/horny, so that's what probably really pushed me to ultimately say yes. I still had reservations, though, since my last trip to the bar with Papí had issues relating to physical contact, and that was supposed to be taboo with FREd. I said I would get back to him and then told the Dowager that I was going out, retroactively asking if that was OK with her, especially since I had flaked out on going bed shopping with her earlier that Saturday. She more or less said it was fine with her, but I could still sense of a bit of a guilt trip, but maybe that was just me. Anyway, I finally decided that given how infrequently a cute guy asks me out to have fun on a Saturday night, I really should go and see what the night brings.

I hadn't' even had dinner yet and still wanted to get in a set of legs (probably my most intense set out of all of them), so it was basically a rush from when I hung up the phone to when I arrived at the bar. Everything took longer than expected, so what should have been meeting up at 11 became 11:30. I got there by that time, but I *really* had to piss and shit when I arrived (probably TMI, I know, and put more frankly/vulgarly than people would normally expect from me, but I have issues in that arena and have to get over them, and I think being straightforward is best). The most annoying thing was that it's not like I didn't go before I left. Anyway, FREd was nowhere to be seen, so I was basically doing the pee-pee dance in front of the bar for ten to fifteen minutes until he showed up. I had texted him to say between 11:30 and 11:45, but he's almost always on time/early, so I was kind of surprised. What I should have done is at least just pissed in the alley (as I saw somebody do later that night) or gone into the bar and just come back out again, but as usual, I tried to take the "high" road. Unfortunately, that meant when FREd did show up, I was kind of uptight and whatnot from holding everything in that I kind of was snippy when he asked if I had been waiting long. I of course immediately caught my error and profusely apologized, both while waiting in line and after I had evacuated, but still felt bad for the first 10-15 minutes of our stay there despite his saying that he wasn't offended. I really wanted the night to be perfect, I guess, and it just felt like we were starting off on the wrong foot.

As sort of disgusting and seemingly irrelevant as it may appear, I do have to make an aside here about the actual bathroom experience at the bar. The bathroom I chose was the closest one available, and was very dimly lit, which on the surface, is a good thing. However, there was only one stall, as it were, and it barely qualified as one in my mind as it didn't even have a door on it, just a wall that didn't even extend over its entire length. I initially thought I could just pee, but I knew if I really wanted to feel comfortable and enjoy myself, I would have to go all the way. So, surprisingly enough to myself, I went into the stall and started putting down toilet paper on the seat. I awkwardly started doing my business, but I could tell I was exposed as I sat there, but did my damnedest not to focus on that. It didn't help when I overheard one of the many other occupants at the urinals say something to the effect of "I guess when you gotta go, you gotta go," presumably in response to somebody else's comment that there was actually a guy taking a shit in the doorless stall at a gay bar. I tried to hurry, but the aforementioned darkness made it hard to tell when I was sufficiently "clean" (disgusting, I know). In the end though, I was proud of myself for having done something so private in a public place, in particular this activity, which, like I said, I have many issues with. Sorry, just had to get that out there for my own sake/sanity.

Anyway, the evening definitely got better from there. I had my usual array of drinks (chocolate martinis, margaritas, slushies). I had four in total in contrast to my usual five, and although definitely buzzed, I wasn't as much so as in the past. FREd was a little buzzed, too. We critiqued the crowd in our usual semi-bitchy/semi-elitist way. As anticipated, though, our buzzes made us mutually frisky, and although I took the lead (surprisingly, it must really be the alcohol), I was surprised that FREd eventually went for my ass and feeling in my between my legs (from the back, i.e., more like asshole versus cock from the front). This was very different from the times we had gone before (i.e., the events I said I'm skipping over above). I was, of course, happy about that, but also confused. Later, at his behest, we moved to an area of the bar that was actually probably supposed to be closed, but it was quiet and deserted to allow for more serious discourse. He went into his semi-analytic mode where he talked about how fucked up his situation is with his partner and wanting to make sure that he knows that he still cares about me despite the lack of true physicality (as it has been for the last six to eight months, I've kind of lost track). But then he mentioned how he feels freaked out (in a good way) when he touches me and how he "needs" to have that (yes, he used the word need). At that point, he went on to say that he wanted to leave and go somewhere and just hold me for a while, and I was very much thrown for a loop, also in a good way.

So, we left and went to a side street to "hold each other," which is kind of hard to do in a public place standing up, but we did our best. However, I use quotes to indicate that what started out as our usual "platonic" embrace from the elevators at work rapidly became more liberal as I figured I would run with whatever I could until I met with resistance. There were some people around, so we had to start and stop, and eventually we moved to an actual alley where we continued. I started to lick and suck on his neck, but unfortunately, he bruises easily, so I had to cut that out at his request. I had actually already given him a little bit of a hickey, but it wasn't too bad and hopefully his partner didn't notice (I'll find out tomorrow I suppose). Anyway, we eventually did kiss, and I want to say it was actually either initiated by him or at the very least mutually motivated. I had missed kissing him so much, so this was truly exciting for me, but at the same time, there were still limitations. He kept stopping to say, "Slow" or "Slowly". Again, just like with Papí, there is concern about bruising the lips, so I can't suck on them for very long, and the entire exchange was kind of like the very first time we kissed where he was so not used to doing it with any gusto or even any tongue, that it was in truth a bit awkward. Again, the location didn't help either. Don't get me wrong, I was incredibly pleased that it was happening; I just wish there had been fewer strings attached. I was able to get in some good ass grabbing and manipulation, and he even let me massage his balls, but not for long. =(

Eventually it was necessary for FREd to pee, and given that we were still in the alley, I was encouraging him to go right there (preferably with me watching), but he didn't feel comfortable, and of all people I can't blame him for that. Plus we needed to eat "breakfast" (and I still needed my third meal for the day), so went to our usual diner, Nookie's. There we had some heavy, deep conversation about what had just happened, what it meant, how fucked up his situation was, etc. He slipped into some of the rationalization arguments he (or rather, we) used back in the day to justify what we were doing. I didn't think of it at the time, but I do have some issues with that (will defer that analysis for below). I did tell him, in an uncharacteristically assertive fashion, that we were not done for the evening, and he did agree without any further pushing. When we finished, we walked toward his bike and into another alley where we continued what we were doing before. This time I got in some more ass grabs, more under the shirt action on his upper body, including his pits (unfortunately he was scentless, but then again, so was I out of consideration for the other bar-goers). I also went for his dick and balls again (and inner thighs, man do I miss those, they're so soft compared to mine), and I got in a bit more this time, but again nothing like I would have liked, but the environment and timing just wasn't right (at one point a guy walked through the alley toward a dumpster and took a piss, so it wasn't exactly ideal, especially since he wasn't attractive). It was already 3:30 AM by this point anyway, and he had to get home to avoid any suspicion, so we kissed a couple more times, said we loved each other, and then he rode off on his bike in the very opposite direction of me, which I found both literally and symbolically sad.

I haven't heard from him at all today. I don't know what that means, if anything. I am curious to see what his thoughts are on the subject on Monday after some time has passed, but it won't be easy to discuss via work channels. Was he expecting this change in the level of intimacy? Does he want it to continue? For how long? Will he instead need space (because he feels guilty)? Was this just a "weak moment" on his part (even worse, did I lead him on?)?

I don't want to dwell on this incident too much, but at the same time, I can't ignore it either. That becomes more apparent as I've spent almost all of today either writing this entry or talking to myself out loud about it. In fact, even when I got home around 4:30 AM, I must have sat in my car for 15 to 20 minutes talking to myself, going over the evening. I would hate for this to be an isolated event, a mere punctuation point (exclamation mark? question mark?), but at the same time, I absolutely know I can't have any expectations for regular or even isolated future events. That will only lead to disappointment. Besides, as I think I've made clear, I don't' know what this means. I don't even know if he knows what this means. In fact, I would be surprised if he's even thought about it 10% as much as I have, or even will. I suspect I will try to find out, but I must also not come off as obsessive. In the end, it may not even mean anything in the larger scheme of things. I must remain objective as much as possible.

The ultimate summary is that the primary focus for the past three months has been and remains FREd, mostly demonstrated by my efforts to maintain a friendly, yet non-sexual, relationship with him. I have been as vigilant as possible to avoid physical contact so that he can direct his efforts toward enhancing his existing partnership, but last night's events are a source of great confusion (if this four thousand+ word fixation doesn't already attest to that). I can't help wondering if my next blog entry (two to three months from now?) will indicate that this was the beginning of a renaissance period of intimacy and closeness, only to have it ended suddenly again like last time. Could this be some kind of codependent pattern that we're establishing? He gets intimately/sexually frustrated, comes to me for a couple of weeks/months, feels guilty or sees some progress, then terminates that aspect of our relationship, only to be burned again and come back to me, etc.? One sample point hardly points to a pattern, as I should know as an actuary, but I have to consider all possible pathways. My biggest gripe from a conceptual point of view is related to the use of certain arguments/rationalizations only when they serve his (our?) purpose, only to be thrown out the window when they don't anymore. As I said earlier, I can hear some of the same words, phrases, and concepts used to justify what we did late in 2009/early 2010, and I'm just wondering how long they'll hold up before they fall on deaf ears when I utter them to try to save the physicality. <shrugs>

This incident also prompts several other *serious* questions to come to mind that I really don't have time to address if I want to accomplish some other items this evening: when will physical intimacy of this level ever no longer be a "special" thing or a "big deal" to me (or even FREd)? Is that even desirable? Would becoming that way be too much of a taking-for-granted kind of position?

Also, most urgent and important to me: why did I not get an erection when we were being intimate, AGAIN?! I kind of got a little hard at the very, very end, but it was very slight and went away rapidly. Am I really not actually sexually attracted to him? Any men? Do I only find him cute/adorable and not truly sexy? Is that enough for me? For him? For any other partners I may have? Is it a psychological issue with me? A physical one? Did I spend too much time physically/sexually isolated from other humans that I am incapable of sexualizing traditionally sexual situations? Have my fantasies and fetishes been so internalized and reinforced that I cannot have an orgasm with a real person? My biggest fear is that we somehow do become serious in a sexual way and I end up being a letdown to FREd. That would be such a terrible thing to happen to him: for such a sexual person to be burned twice by somebody in that arena, especially if I advertised myself in such a way that I could not fulfill. I love him far too much to let that happen, so I may have to be cautious and practice my own brand of restraint.

Alas, the only real solution to most of the above is additional exposure, either with FREd, or with others, and I'm afraid that's at best very much up in the air right now, or more likely, simply not in the cards at all. As usual, I remain pessimistic in hopes that I am pleasantly surprised. I have a feeling there is a lot I did not address here (and probably many typos, missing words, etc.), but the next week and a half or so will be somewhat taxing at work, so I need to move on.

For now, I will try my best not to overemphasize this latest turn of events, but also not trivialize it either. In other words, I need to look at it as a pleasant surprise and move forward in as realistic a way as possible.

Basic Tenets for the Summer and Beyond

I need to figure out what makes me happy and pursue that (very good advice courtesy of H, per usual).

 

I also need to accept the fact that FREd will never be my man and move on with my Life.

Long Weekend and 11 Years Later

This long weekend courtesy of Memorial Day was not nearly as productive as I had hoped. I think I overdid it on Saturday among errands, some serious yard work (for me anyway), and doing legs. I slept way less than I expected to Saturday night and accomplished nothing on Sunday as I completely crashed after an early dinner at Red Lobster (which seems to be wreaking havoc from a gastrointestinal standpoint this muggy Monday evening). Today was a bust, too, as all I did was watch episodes of American Dad that I had seen (sometimes many times) before.

The one thing I did finish (more or less) between Sunday and Monday was finalizing a 2009 (yes, 2009) Christmas card to an old high school friend. Friend in this context might be a little strong, as I was never super close with her and she always was a little too squeaky clean and religious for my taste. There is no way I could be open to her about being gay (although that might be more of a projection on my part, but still). Even if I could, my sexual orientation notwithstanding, all my friendships are ones that are very frank in terms of sex and general vulgarity, especially in terms of humor and general conversation, and I just don't see that sitting well with her sensibilities. Nevertheless, she is/was sweet and smart and clearly a good person, so I had trouble separating myself from her then, and now, for fear of being mean to someone so nice. As such, I continue to nurse the near-flatlining relationship along with once-a-year cards that resemble short stories in terms of length, all as belated as this one. Coincidentally, she e-mailed me just today saying she was in town and if I wanted to meet up, but luckily I was able to use the beginning-of-the-month-busy-period excuse in my rather short response, which eased my conscience somewhat.

There is one thing that I did find to be instructive as a result of having to bang out the latest of these letters: reading it from the perspective of one of those cliché "where-do-you-see-yourself-in-x-years" scenarios. If I had this in my hands 11 years ago, I don't think I would have been happy, but I'm not sure I would have been that surprised either. The letter is composed of eight short paragraphs, which if read solely for content in an unemotional fashion, could be summarized as follows (minus the sixth and eighth reserved for the obligatory general well-wishing):

1. Sorry this card is so late. Again.
   
2. Congratulations on being engaged. I am still single.
   
3. Has it been 11 years since we finished high school already? If there was a reunion, I didn't go.
   
4. I haven't travelled in years.
   
5. I'm still at the same job and am bored.
   
6. The Mother has her share of medical issues and we squabble occasionally, but we take it a day at a time.
   

However, the more I read and reread it before I printed it (I swear I have low-graded obsessive-compulsive disorder), the more I translated it in the following terms:

1. Yes, I'm still a dangerously bad procrastinator, likely terminally so.
   
2. I wish you congratulations only through clenched teeth as I resent all those who have found Love in another (wither, anybody?). I will probably be alone my whole Life and it's slowly driving me mad. Literally.
   
3. Time does indeed fly and I've wasted over a decade of it. The fact that I don't care about the reunion means I have difficulty forming long-term, serious connections/attachments to anybody but myself.
   
4. I have no ambition and cannot do anything for myself.
   
5. See #4. In addition, I'm actually quite unprofessional and haven't matured much since high school. In fact, I've probably regressed a little.
   
6. I will probably spend the next decade or so nursing the Mother through the evening of her Life and we're both far too similar to each other in terms of anti-social behavior for our own good.
   

I'm not entirely sure what the point of the above was now that I've finished writing it except possibly to illustrate to myself just how negatively I think/feel right now. Unfortunately, further analysis at this time is not possible, as I have to begin exercising if I want to get a decent amount of sleep (which is unlikely either way anyway). It all just seems very pointless is all, I suppose.

The Beginning of the End or More of the Same

As predicted, the time between blog entries continues to lengthen. I both do and do not have issues with that, but will not dissect that further here. For now I just need to recount a few of the major happenings since I last reflected (it's been long enough that I need to reread the most recent entries to even get my bearings; probably a sign that I don't have a good idea of where my Life truly is, which is not good):

• With respect to the Sister's request for $5K for the townhouse: yeah, that didn't happen. I originally said I would do it only for her to slide in and ask that I sign a gift letter that legally speaking meant she never had to return the money and that it was truly a gift to her (even thought she claimed she really would repay). Signing that would have meant that I wouldn't have had a leg to stand on to get my money back in a court of law, and based upon my Internet research, it's basically tantamount to loan/mortgage fraud since her having to pay me back compromises the underwriting of the home loan. I remember being so angry about the gift letter that I had to stay home from work the next day because I had a terrible headache (even after jerking off like four times, if memory serves, which normally would help alleviate such a headache). All I got in response to my "No" was "I understand.  No hard feelings -I really do understand", which I don't believe. We haven't heard from her since, but apparently my brother gave her the money. He probably resents me too since I have that kind of money to loan out and he doesn't. Whatever.
  
• My right knee somehow self-healed (thank God), so I can do squats again without having to worry about that (at least for now). I still don't know what caused it initially and what helped it heal, so for the moment I suppose I am vulnerable to succumbing to that again whenever it decides to act up. <shrugs> I also tried the "Manta Ray" in an attempt to reduce the perpetual reinjuring of the skin on one of my upper vertebra when doing squats, but unfortunately, it's not properly shaped for my back and shoulders, and since it's just straight plastic with no cushioning, it completely digs into the skin surrounding my clavicle. There goes $40 down the drain. *le sigh* At least FREd said that the bruise/callous/whatever wouldn't be a deal-breaker, assuming everything else were OK (at least to him, and he suspects for other guys as well, although he may have just been patronizing me; I assume everybody is nowadays, so I can never tell).
  
• And as that one problem goes away, two more crop up. Oh yes, that's right! The acne situation continues to deteriorate even though it seems I'm on more drugs than ever before. The chest is now literally in a pre-Accutane state, possibly even worse. The upper arms and shoulders are pretty bad as well. I would not take my shirt off for love or money, as the saying goes. Since I last wrote, I've been on two oral antibiotics (the second of which I believe is giving me a totally ugly, itchy, and bumpy rash on my left elbow, which is problem #2; as of last night I stopped taking that in hopes that it goes away, besides, I don't think it was helping anyway.) I also had to stop both topical treatments since they had given me a rash all over my chest and arms. The dermatologist told me to stop both for a while and then try each separately since we didn't know which one was causing the rash. I've been using the ClindaReach again for about five or six days, but it hasn't helped the chest *at all*, but it also hasn't caused a rash yet either.
  

  I've gotten so very down as a result of this. It's like a terrible version of Cinderella, an allusion (if that's even the right term) that I think I've used before. I just am so angry that I have tried and keep trying and this problem refuses to go away on a consistent basis. It also doesn't help that I did experience near-good skin for a couple of months (something I hadn't had for years, possibly coming on decades), and then it was snatched away from me again. It's kind of related to that old adage, "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before". I'm not quite sure I believe that, both as it relates to Love and to good skin. Of course everybody around me (and I do mean everybody) seems to think that I'm overreacting. However, virtually none of them, except the Mother, has seen the problem for themselves, and probably never will, as I'm too embarrassed. I've become so focused/down on myself (selfish) and negative about this that I think it's starting to turn off friends and coworkers. It's definitely not hot in a number of ways. More on this below.
  

• I never did get a response from Noodles and Beef regarding my questions about his workout in one of his blog entries. Oh well.
  
• The situation with FREd has had some pretty major swings since I last wrote, and unfortunately, due to time constraints, I will likely oversummarize here. Things eventually came to a head regarding how I felt about his no longer being physically intimate with me and my feeling used. We went a few days without speaking (at all) at one point, and I left quite a few IM status message barbs for him to see, which upset him since I was using that as a defensive coping mechanism instead of actually communicating (and he was right). We eventually had a long talk over coffee about how I felt used and how much I missed the physical intimacy in our relationship and how I even resented him, and he did acquiesce that he contributed to those feelings. He said that he never wanted/intended to use me and that he really didn't because he legitimately cares for me and wouldn't have done anything like what we did with anybody else. At the time and immediately after I didn't feel fully satisfied with that, but about a week later, something in my mind just "clicked" I think, and I have very little resentment left for him. In fact, yesterday we spent an afternoon together basically running domestic errands and had a ball. Things are still a bit awkward regarding what is appropriate physical contact, but the conversation is much better and there isn't even that much apprehension regarding sexual innuendo in that respect, which I think is a really good sign. Things are not perfect, but I'm happy (currently) with where the relationship is, or perhaps more accurately, I think the relationship is in as good a place as it can be given the circumstances. I still want more, and I still hold out some Hope, but I think I'm putting less pressure on the whole thing, which seems to be helping.
  
• Nevertheless, the really shitty acne situation, in combination with the lack of access to physical intimacy and the increasing loss of interest in my job, has me thinking my Life has no real future. I can't see myself in a very happy place again anytime soon. I keep looking for meaning, but find none. I've asked a lot of people what they're living for, and I have gotten consistent responses (making happy memories, being with/enjoying time with family and friends, etc.), but I find little solace in them. Asking a question like that also has elicited questions as to the motivation behind it, which when answered with my very negative responses, has provoked many people to say that I am far too hard on myself and that I really should go talk to a professional. That suggestion is further stressed when I mention how I've started to add a request for my own Death in my daily prayers (of course subject to the restriction that my Mom is OK if I were to pass). I know it's selfish, but frankly, I really wouldn't mind a quick and premature end right about now. Until that time comes or my situation improves, I continue to go through the motions. <shrugs>
  

There were a few more tidbits I would have liked to add, but I really would like to publish this tonight and I have to start exercising (why I continue to bother with that is beyond me). I really would have liked to have elaborated a bit more on the FREd situation and I kind of just did a "hit and run" with respect to the wanting to die thing, but for now I believe that will have to do. I suppose I should revisit this blog in a couple of days, but as before, I suspect I will not realistically write again for two months plus. I just hope things are a lot better by then if that's the case. I would love to read/write that my skin has cleared, the rashes are nowhere to be found, am either intimate with FREd again or have finally found my own man, even if it is just temporary, and have stopped praying for my own demise, but at this point, I don't think that's likely.

P.S. Many people (e.g., Papí, his partner, FREd, T, etc.) keep asking me to go to gay-themed events or places, but I keep turning them down because of how I feel (re: my skin situation) and how being in those places/situations would just make me sad. I fucking hate that.

Unimpressive Easter and 2010Q1

Just came back from family Easter at the half-brother's. It's gotten me in a mood where I finally need to get some things down "on paper", especially given that it's been essentially a month since I last did:

• The family get-together was not fun, to be blunt. Admittedly, I went in not wanting to be there, so I kind of had a chip on my shoulder. I wasn't overtly mean or anything, but I sat off to one side for almost the entire time, minus the meal, staring out the window. The only "normal" family member (my nephew) left about twenty minutes after we arrived, so I didn't even have him around to serve as a buffer; my great-nephew screeched a good deal of the time (he's almost two now, but it was still obnoxious); and the worst part was that my half-sister (and to some degree in league with my half-brother) hit me up for up to $5,000 for a down payment on a townhouse.
  

  I have so many thoughts about that request right now that I can't even organize them enough to put into coherent form here, but suffice it to say I'm not thrilled with the prospect. Even being asked puts me in a difficult position, whether I choose to provide the funds (in which case I set further precedent and also risk never seeing that money again) or not (which engenders bad blood, my half-sister's claims of no retaliation notwithstanding; talk about bullshit!). At least I have a couple of weeks to decide, although I don't think I'll really have time to give it much thought given how busy work will be. Whatever time I have to myself will likely be spent in the usual mode, i.e., centered on my niggling issues and me. I suspect that in the end, I will give her the money, but there will have to be some serious strings attached this time.
  

• FREd and I have not seen much of each other in the last month, as my prior post began to suggest. Work has eased up a bit for him, but he's still micromanaged to Death, which leaves him little time away from his desk for us to have nice long, lunches like we used to. His one dog had treatment for his eye condition, but unfortunately, it does not appear at this point that it was particularly effective. This change in circumstances requiring additional attention has taken up more of his time as well, and quite possibly weakened his spirit a bit in the process, understandably so.
  

  A somewhat expected side-effect of this situation, however, is that it brought him and his partner closer together than they have been in a long time. This in turn helped alleviate a problem in their relationship, at least partially, which has (both objectively and subjectively) decreased FREd's need/desire for me. This kind of came to a head during a rare lunch we had a week or two ago where we had the discussion I was dreading back in January regarding what exactly defines "cheating" and where our friend/relationship would go from here. I, for better or for worse, cited an operational definition that a wise friend shared with me recently: "if you can't tell your partner about it, it's cheating", which I tend to agree with. FREd was astounded by the simplicity and efficiency by which this definition parameterizes such situations, and immediately latched onto it. He ran with it, and said that he would have to back off from intimacy with me for a while as he tries to determine where his relationship with his partner stands (i.e., is this change in behavior just a result of the situation with the sick pet, or is it a fundamental and enduring shift in how they relate to each other). He of course did so entirely justifiably, and as a good friend I hope that it does work out for them, but I also of course would be lying if I said I didn't miss holding him, kissing him, and doing some other things to him that I omit here out of some strange sense of demureness that doesn't really fit with the nature of an honest and open blog. <shrugs>
  

  In any event, I miss him, a lot. We've had a couple of times where attempts to meet up have been discussed but then never materialize. If this continues indefinitely, I may begin to give more credence to the voice in the back of my head that says I was somehow used. Perhaps that is simply Resentment talking. Only Time will tell.
  

• My right knee has been bothering me for about the last week and a half. I'm worried it's similar to what I did to my left knee about two years ago (still don't know how) where I had to stop doing squats for about a month. I would hate for a setback like that to occur again, especially when I have so little to hold onto in the way of self-esteem/progress/accomplishments. I'm trying to lay off it as much as possible, but I also have a compulsion to test it constantly to see if it's getting better, which is almost certainly counterproductive. I only exercised three of these past four days I've been off, so hopefully the extra time between workouts will do it some good, without having sapped too much of my strength.
  
• Speaking of workouts, I finally contacted Noodles and Beef via commenting on his blog regarding his workout routine, but he has not responded. =( As usual, I suspect I waited too long. Damn procrastination!!! Will I ever learn? (No.)
  

Finally, and probably the most important feeling I am compelled to share, is a sense of being at a loss for where I am and what I am doing, in the most general sense. Is this the newly-coined "quarter-life crisis"? I don't know. I would hate to succumb to something so cliché, but I suppose that feeling itself has become cliché, and imposing any kind of judgment on the situation in that fashion is probably a distraction at best. All I can say is that I find myself increasingly at odds with the weekly routine. I thought a little break would help, but I piddled that away and have no renewed momentum. Of course, the thought of "maybe you needed a longer break" comes to mind, but I suspect that is a red herring.

I also find myself increasingly sentimental with respect to things I shouldn't be overly moved by, and not sensitive enough to things I probably should be. I will watch episodes of TV shows where somebody dies and nearly be moved to tears, and then when my aunt/godmother died recently, I really didn't think as much if as I should (should being a dangerous word there in any sense). I have a disturbing feeling that it really means I am more selfish and self-pitying than I have any right to be.

I suppose what it all comes down to is that with one quarter of 2010 already over, I would have to say I'm in worse position (net) than I was when the year began. We'll see what 2010Q2 has to say for itself, but I don't hold out much hope for things changing for the better.

Music Addendum

Two minor music-related additions:

1. I have rediscovered Fiona Apple. Too bad she hasn't put out since Extraordinary Machine. So many of her lyrics resonate more with me now that I have dealt in (quasi-)relationships. Plus, her arrangements almost always make me think of dark, smoky, pungent fall evenings. It can be very comforting.
   
2. The Mother purchased a Brad Paisley album. Appropriate ridicule has been rendered, although it will be ineffective in dissuading similar future purchases, I'm afraid. As long as she don't bring that shit into the car when I'm driving.

A Need to Take Action

Clearly, it's been a while since I last posted. I was legitimately more busy with work the past 2-3 weeks with year-end shit, although I rarely stayed late on any given weeknight. It was more my weekends that suffered, working either in the office or from home. The lack of entries still stems more from the inability to get myself going and stay going once I get home from work. Papí can't seem to understand why I can't be more productive with my weeknights, and I really have no defense except that deep down I must be too lazy and undetermined enough to do anything about it. However, I come home from work tonight more frustrated than ever with where my Life is and where it is (not) going. I need to make some changes, and soon.

Anyway, some notes before I forget:

• FREd has been essentially MIA the past two weeks due to an enormous workload (the other people in his department are grossly incompetent) and the fact that one of his dogs (the one with the same name as me; I'll be selfish here and hope that's not some kind of omen) has come down with SARDS (Sudden Acquired Retinal Degeneration Syndrome). Between the rough patch back in January and this latest separation, 2010 has not been a kind year thus far to our friend/relationship. Nevertheless, the fact that it has survived in some form I suppose is some kind of comfort and testament to what it is and will hopefully continue to be.
  

  We were supposed to do lunch today @1:30, but that soon became 2, then 2:30. I was actually starting to get a little upset, and both Papí and T said I should have cancelled and rescheduled, but given that I was anticipating he would be in Iowa this weekend and all of next week seeking treatment for his dog, I just had to see him. Besides, I had his Valentine's Day gift (absurdly late, I know) and a card for his dog that just had to be delivered. We finally met up around 3:20, but then ended up at the stupid Aon Center doing greasy Sopraffina cavatappi and meat sauce (me) and Jimmy John's (him). I was thoroughly disappointed with the fare and location, but the conversation was pretty good. We had a nice hug in the elevator ride up, but it was *way* too short (he had that "sad" look on his face again as he pulled away). Speaking of elevators, we missed one right when we got to the elevator bank (it's now a habit for FREd or Papí and I to always get an elevator to ourselves for obvious reasons), so without even really catching myself or thinking it through all the way, I angrily hit the elevator "up" button, loud and hard enough that I think I may have freaked FREd out. I think I may have a bit of a temper that, although I've managed to keep under control thus far, may be peeking through as my continued frustration eats away at my mental defenses.
  

  Anyway, the point of all this is that I couldn't work at all once I got back, so I didn't finalize any of my New Mexico reserves, and thus now have to work a bit from home yet again this weekend, despite year-end being essentially over. I can't allow this to become a habit. I have to learn how to put these feelings and reactions to relationships and personal frustrations out of my mind so I can get my work done, or I'm going to end up having no true free extended leisure time at all.
  

  The other point is that I am really going to miss FREd these next few days (few is being kind, it's more like a full nine days until I see him again at the earliest, and I won't hear much from him digitally either as he shies away from using his personal e-mail to contact me much anymore). I will have to find distraction, hopefully somehow of the productive variety, if I am not to remain low.
  

• I'm sick of my workouts plateauing and not gaining much muscle mass/volume anymore. I need to contact Noodles and Beef and get some additional details regarding one of his latest posts discussing his workout routine. I would love to be as thick as him and his boyfriend. I hope he responds. I would love to kindle some kind of online friendship with him, even though I suspect he is out of my league in every sense imaginable.
  
• T is talking (semi-seriously) about moving, possibly back to Nigeria in the medium-term future. I don't know how I would cope going to work without her there. Sure, I would (presumably, but not necessarily) still have FREd and Papí and a few others to IM with and such, but T is the one I can literally spends hours at a time with at her cube and really have a good time.
  
• The pimples on the chest and stomach are officially back, not like they ever *truly* left, but they are definitely back with some degree of vengeance. I'm also getting some up around my beardline on my neck and it's pissing me off because I can't even hide those. The gel the dermatologist gave me to use either isn't working or hasn't started working yet. The face is also temperamental, with pre-pimple-like areas of reddish irritation constantly threatening to evolve into full-fledged pimples. At least I haven't gotten any more on my back (I had a bad one about two weeks ago) and my face was pretty clear today for seeing FREd. However, it's clear that any true degree of consistency in terms of clarity is gone, certainly on a bodywide basis. I'm trying to ignore it or even remain confident, but it still seems like a lie. What is confidence when the underlying truth is ugly? All the confidence in the world will not erase ugly. I also love how Papí says it's all fine and I shouldn't let that stop me, yet he is the one who just went back to the same dermatologist to go back on Accutane because he had a breakout. Talk about hypocritical. How he can hate on FREd for even *supposedly* being hypocritical is kind of annoying to me. Oh well.
  
• I found out about another gay guy at work, and he's pretty cute. However, of course, he's already partnered. I'm getting really sick of only meeting/learning of middle-aged, partnered men who are completely inaccessible to me.
  
• The Mother is driving more and more on her own, which is (thankfully) freeing me up more, certainly on the weekends. It should (in principle) only get better as the weather warms, but with her, one always has to wonder what new malady is lurking around the corner.
  
• The complete series of Daria drops on DVD in May and Metroid: Other M arrives right around my birthday (June 27). They're about all I'm really living for right now, sad but true.
  

Well, I better wrap this up as I still have to exercise and ideally make a list of all the shit I have to do this weekend and when I've got to do it (probably what I should have been doing instead of writing this entry, but I needed to get some of that business out about FREd being gone at the very least; I have definitely grown too dependent on/attached to him).

Back to Square Zero

It would almost be nice to say that the dearth of entries recently has been due to extreme productivity at work and the need for subsequent rest, but alas, it's more like my fucked up sleep/exercise schedule continues unabated. I'm basically on the every-other-day workout routine at this point, which results in some seriously fucked up workdays. Someday the other shoe will drop, or whatever the saying is, and I'll be forced to change my ways.

A summary of major happenings the last two weeks or so:

• Two weekends ago, did dinner and a movie with FREd. It was our first one since we reconciled, and I was really looking forward to it. We got seats at the very back of a small viewing room to see Legion, which I originally thought was a good thing, until we realized that being up against the back wall limited movement of both the chair backs and most importantly, the armrest in between. It was also pretty crowded, and the (straight) couple next to us talked almost the whole time, but we made the best of it. Man I love the way he smells. The movie was unspectacular (what little I actually saw).
  

  We went to The Cheesecake Factory afterward and actually got a pretty good seat despite its being insanely crowded. FREd did the sweetest thing while we were waiting: he said he had to go to the restroom, so I held his coat, and as he comes back, he's bringing a beer for himself and a chocolate martini for me. He really is so thoughtful and adorable, which is why I cried twice during dinner. Things are picking up speed with respect to his partner and their working things out, so I we don't know how our relationship will change, especially physically. I've grown very attached to this man, way more so than with Papí. The thing is, even if the existing relationship didn't exist, there would still be so many obstacles to making this work, most of them in my court, but I still can't help thinking that there was such a sense of possibility/potential between us. Life is a fucking trip, that's for sure. The dinner itself was really fun, despite the water works, and overall it was one of the nicest evenings I've ever had. As I said in my post-"date" e-mail, I felt very close to him, both physically and emotionally.
  

• If I remember correctly, and my memory does tend to suck ass, starting at the beginning of February, I've been burping *way* more than normal. They're usually not huge belches or anything, but the frequency is definitely way beyond what I would consider "normal" (I hate that word in a health context). This happened at the beginning of December 2009, too, I think (again memory fuzzy), but it didn't last this long and it was self-correcting, so I don't know what's going on. I have some theories, none of them pretty, but for now, I will take a wait-and-see approach. My physical should be in May, but if this continues for too much longer or gets worse, I will have to go see the doctor. I swear, the last two years I have doctored more than I have in the entire rest of my Life. I must be getting old, or something.
  
• Had pre-Valentine's Day lunch with Papí at Grand Lux. Conversation was pretty good, but the threat of awkward silences continues. We're definitely not in the same place we were a year ago when he gave me my first kiss (ever). He also spent more on me than I did on him with respect to giftage, which made me feel bad. Up until now I probably overspent on him (on an objective basis, or at least based on what everybody has told me), so I figured I would take it down a notch. <shrugs> We did have a nice kiss on the elevator ride back up, though. I still care about him a lot, and I believe the feeling is mutual, but the fact remains that for now, at least, things there have definitely cooled down.
  
• Had my review. I got the lowest rating ever since I started working there ("3" - Met Objectives, or something to that effect). I had said up until then that I really didn't care that much about the whole review thing, even if I got a lower score, but actually seeing it on paper (or on screen in this case, everything is done online now, even the signature) gave me a little pause. However, I'm over it. The boss and I had a conversation and she said I would have been a 4 (above average) if this new scoring system allowed rounding, but apparently it doesn't. There was also the (known) issue about continuing education and the fact that they were trying to forcibly reduce the number of 4's and 5's to get a normal distribution, so it was pretty much inescapable. We did talk more about the continuing education requirement, and it's possible I might get out of a good deal of it going forward, which was probably the highlight of the conversation. I was quite frank about a couple of observations, which I felt good about being assertive/bold enough to mention, but they're not worth repeating here. Still don't know what my raise or bonus is, but hell, in this economy, any positive increase at all is frosting on the cake.
  
• Had post-Valentine's Day lunch with FREd, which was also very good. He brought his giftage with him to the restaurant, which I wasn't expecting (I didn't bring mine, so he's still waiting on that). Again, he was super thoughtful and actually remembered that like at least two months ago I mentioned something about liking the pineapple-cilantro scent that Yankee Candle makes, and got me a big one of those. Thoughtful/sweet and budget-appropriate! He is so adorable. He also returned the Blu-Ray cash that I gave back to him as reparations for my little silent-treatment episode, gave me a belated Christmas gift (another A&F shirty, sweatery thing which is really tight on me, but I hesitate to wear [more on that below]), and saved me some of the Rice Krispies treats he baked (they were good, too!). The conversation was fun (so much more comfortable than with Papí, sad to say) and the entire experience really helped brighten my day for a Monday. Sadly, that didn't last long, which leads me to...
  
• ...Yes, oh yes, it seems like my biggest fear since going off the Accutane has come true: the pimples may very well be returning! >:o( Last night while exercising I noticed a couple on my shoulder and back, and when I went upstairs to (compulsively) check them out in the mirror, I noticed my chest had a couple more than normal (even after the Accutane, the chest tends not to cooperate, at least not for any material period of time). I instinctively popped the shoulder and back ones, but they kind of got angry and all red and are still that way today. I think I saw another big one forming right at the top of my back this morning. It could just be a temporary outbreak, but it hasn't been this bad in a long time (which I'm sure on some kind of absolute basis is not *that* bad, certainly compared to how I was for, like, my whole Life since puberty). However, I had gotten so incredibly used to having near-good skin. So much of my self-esteem (which is fragile to being with, sometimes nonexistent) is tied to my skin quality, and I have this terrible fear that if this really does come back in force, I will regress into a deep depression from which I shall not emerge. No joke. I *cannot* go back to the way things were. I just can't. Luckily, thus far, the face has remain immune, although I've been applying Clearasil regularly before I go to bed for weeks now as a defensive measure back when I had one or two show up even after the Accutane, but who knows how long that will last? If they come back there, I don't know what I will do because people have to see my face. At least the chest/back/abdomen I can cover up (not like that's desirable, at least for me). Also, FREd never knew me pre-Accutane, so I don't even know if I could face him (literally) if I started having problems on my face. I'm sure he'd say he doesn't care, but I don't believe him or his thought processes/motives (although that is likely a personal problem). All I can say is that I'm gonna bitch when I go back to the dermatologist in early March. Speaking of which, the liquid nitrogen therapy still has my ass scabbed up, and sometimes it even hurts. They've been treating that stupid area of skin for well over a half-year. If they say they have to freeze it again, I'm gonna scream.
  

  Anyway, the outbreak had me completely deflated today. I didn't sign on IM at all. I told both Papí (who asked after me) and FREd (who I warned, in an attempt to show my efforts at avoiding lack of communication, which is what precipitated the falling out a few weeks back) that I was low, but didn't go into any detail. I've been down that road of self-pity with both of them before, so I hesitate to say anything lest I come off like I'm fishing for compliments, which I'm not. Hell, FREd says I'm hot in almost every in-person conversation I have with him, almost to the point of its being annoying, again, mostly because I don't believe him (on either an absolute or "niche-y" scale, as he's put it).
  

  I spent most of the day "dotting" (read: checking) numbers while watching/listening to The Hours. I hadn't watched it all the way through in months, probably because I was actually relatively happy overall. That's definitely one of my commiserating movies. In fact, I don't have many others, and I need to find some more. Anyway, I found myself moping around and finding it hard to come up with the energy to do everyday tasks. Eating is especially off-putting. I'm also not exercising tonight because all I want to do is sleep. Besides, what's the point in having a good shape if the skin sucks? Nevertheless, I won't' stop completely, mostly out of Fear. Which brings me to the A&F shirt: how can I wear that when it is tantamount to false advertising? =\
  

• T was out of the office like almost an entire week at one point. Snow and some kind of gastrointestinal/reproductive issue kept her at bay. Plus she's still been kind of down lately. Hater Girl has had some GI issues lately, too, supposedly with gluten. I have my own issues as well, but embarrassment keeps me from revealing them yet in this forum (which is silly, I know). Regardless, sometimes I think having a GI tract is seriously overrated.
  

More likely happened, but I think I got the major events out there. I'm not sure where my current shitty mood is going to take me. I have to be careful not to retreat too far inward, lest I end up being a fair-weather friend of sorts to the few who put up with my bullshit as it is. Nevertheless, it's hard not to engage in splitting or black-and-white thinking here (I confess, I did some psychological reading on Wiki at work today). I almost certainly could be diagnosed with some of that stuff (borderline personality disorder, body dysmorphic disorder come to mind). I wonder if I'll ever seriously entertain the idea of therapy. I'd like to think I could get that kind of support from "everyday" people, but perhaps my jaded attitude is unjustified. I dunno. All I know is that I'm tired and I want to go to bed. If I'm lucky, all the pimples will go away while I sleep. (How hard should I laugh?)

Reconciliation

Wow, a full workweek between entries. I suspect this frequency will continue throughout February due to work constraints, all the while trying to keep up appearances socially, something I'm still very much getting used to. Valentine's Day should be interesting this year. I need to get a head start on that for sure if I want to have a chance of not being caught unprepared.

A few notes regarding what transpired this week before I get my leg sets on:

• Made up with FREd Wednesday afternoon. Had what must have been an hour-and-a-half long chat in the conference room on my floor. It's too much to go into now, but suffice it to say we agreed that our my lack of communication was probably the biggest issue/blunder. I overreacted to what was only a potentiality (regardless of its likelihood), didn't fully take into account his situation, and underestimated his feelings toward me. Toward the end, it was I who made the first physical gesture by taking his hand, which I think is important to me (a sign of assertiveness, physically no less). We hugged before we went our separate ways for the evening; I forgot how much I missed his embrace. Also, later in the conversation, he remarked how I looked intimidating when he walked into the room, not something I'm known for (go me?). We had lunch today (Friday) and it was pretty good. We didn't have as much time as we would have liked due to his review being in the afternoon, but it was much better than the last lunch we had in the Aon cafeteria, which is perhaps the closest thing to a concrete event that precipitated this falling out. Too bad I won't see him this weekend, though. Luckily, the missed Legion encounter mentioned in the prior entry will likely happen next weekend, so I'm happy. It may be the last opportunity for intense physical interaction for what could be, well, ever, which is what I feared during this episode, but I simply have to accept that and not lose sight of the remainder of the relationship (which I like to think is the larger part, but I'm not entirely certain; physicality is very important to me, possibly too much, but that will have to be explored later).
  
• T was out like four days this week. She did indeed have tooth problems related to a failed root canal or something, but I think she's definitively depressed again, as she gets this time of year. She doesn't respond much to e-mails. I really need to get a phone so I can at least text her. I think that would go over better. Hopefully she'll get back to her normal self soon.
  
• Saw Sherlock Holmes with Papí and his partner tonight. The movie was surprisingly good. I really liked how Downey Jr. and Law played their characters. Their bond was very endearing without being sappy or overly played up. Either that or I read too much into it. Conversation prior to film and during dinner was okay, not too tense. I always end up a little stressed during these encounters, though, mostly because my usual lack of conversational skills is further compromised by having to watch every word I say lest I expose my actions with Papí or reveal what I've done with FREd, which neither one of them can know about. Even talking to FREd has that difficulty as I almost called him Jim today at lunch, which is like the ultimate offense. =0
  
• Told my boss (presumably as she was preparing my review) that I had effectively done no continuing education in 2009. We'll see how that affects my rating. I definitely won't be an "Excellent" this year, especially since they changed the rating system from three to five tiers. As long as they don't fire me or materially reduce my pay, I really don't care what they do salary-wise. Very little there motivates me anymore. I occasionally have visions of grandiose model or database rewrites, but I never even break ground on them.
  

There was more, I swear, but I've finished my pre-workout drink and I really need to get to these leg sets before I lose what little energy I have left. There is much to do this weekend, as always...

Brand Betrayal

Lack of recent blog entries can be attributed to the rare productivity of this past three-day (yes, three, thank God) weekend. I'm pretty content with how much I got done, although there are a few material items that still should have been done. Nevertheless, I will try to focus on the positive in order to remain motivated.

I begin writing this entry as I just finished ordering a PSP from Amazon.com. A few years ago that would have been complete sacrilege, as I was (and still consider myself to be to some degree) a Nintendo loyalist. However, having lost my Nintendo DSi a couple of weeks back and still not having a dedicated portable MP3 player or cell phone, I've grown tired of having to revert to my prior habit of listening to CDs on the train using my Discman (between that and not having a cell phone, I feel like I'm trapped in the early 1990's, all my own fault, of course). I would have gone out and purchased another DSi (I like the pitch-modifier and tempo control its music player offers), but Nintendo is (supposedly) scheduled to ship the DSi XL sometime in the first quarter, so I figured that would be a waste. I am irked that we don't have a firmer release date, though. I also considered purchasing an iPod Touch, but even the smallest unit is relatively expensive and has little (and also very fixed) memory @8 GB, and if I do eventually get a cell phone, it may not be worth it. It is a pretty toy, though, and if I can get a deal on a version with more memory, I may yet pick one up. I figured that since I already have two PSP games that have been collecting dust in my basement cabinet for what must be at least two years now, I could justify this little spending splurge. Not like I have to defend this decision to anybody, of course.

But back to the issue of being a Nintendo loyalist. While doing research on the PSP, I watched a video review for Mass Effect 2 on IGN.com. I was pretty much blown away. I don't have time to go into all the details why, but on the surface, it just seems to have so much more going for it than the typical "hardcore" Nintendo Wii title. We're talking superior graphics (I mean, the Wii can't even hold a candle to its competitors), better sound, move involved and mature storylines, etc. A full manifesto on the topic is far beyond my capabilities now (and possible ever), but it gets harder and harder to defend one's position as a Nintendo loyalist these days. With technologies like 3-D TV and superior motion control (e.g., Project Natal on Xbox 360) on the horizon or even already here, Nintendo's recent efforts seem lazy at best. IGN has posted a couple of articles on the subject and I can't help but agreeing with most of what they have to say. I can't even imagine what games like Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, or the Metroid Prime trilogy would have looked and played like on a superior console. Now, it's possible Nintendo has something really phenomenal up its sleeve, but somehow based on recent experience, I find that harder and harder to accept on faith.

In light of this and further introspection (e.g., with current and likely future prospects on the manhunt front dwindling rapidly), the need for personal entertainment and diversion is increasing. To deny myself the opportunity to play games on other systems due to some sense of loyalty that might not even be justifiable any longer just doesn't make sense. I like to think of myself as a loyal person (although recent events with FREd and Papí may call that into question somewhat), but if that loyalty isn't earned or maintained, then such misplaced dedication is just an exercise in futility. Besides, given how good some of Nintendo's main series' music has been, I greatly look forward to what some of these other epic games sound like on other systems.

Having engaged in that self-exoneration, I could see myself owning an Xbox 360 and/or a PS3 within the next month. That would also give me additional impulse to upgrade my surround sound system, and possibly even my TV, which I've been thinking about more and more lately.

I actually finished composing all my Christmas thank you cards except for FREd's. I'm not sure where we stand right now. It's been over a week since we've seen each other in person, and now three whole consecutive days without any communication whatsoever, which was unheard of prior to this little falling out, or whatever it should be termed. I'm seriously considering giving back the money he gave me as a Christmas gift to use toward a Blu-Ray player. If we do end up terminating this relationship, I would feel obligated to do so out of some sense of making sure he breaks even on the relationship from a financial perspective (how Ð, I know, to anybody who gets that reference). Even if we do make up, as it were, I would still like to return the funds as some sort of penance or reparation. No matter what, writing this thank you will take some serious time. It would have even if things had still been on good terms. Sometimes I wish people would give me nothing at all, as the thanking process often more than offsets the gain, material or otherwise.

This week should be relatively easy now that year-end reserves are final. We have a bit of a lull until FR gets its act together and sends us shit. If I were smart, I'd use the time to clean and do some other catch-up work, but I'll find a way to fuck that up without fail.

I can't believe January is already almost over. One-twelfth of 2010, gone, just like that.

I woke up from a nap in the basement today all warm and sweaty, which hasn't really happened in a while. I was also warmer and sweated more than usual during my workout. I think for a while there, I actually thought I had this issue beat, or at least a bit more under control, but I fear it may be returning, and fast. I suspect it might have something to do with protein supplements after all, at least the ones that I take during the day. I've recently gone back to drinking two servings (approximately 50-60g total depending on the brand) on the days after I work out, so maybe that's it? I've also started mixing my workout powder with coffee both before and during my workouts, so perhaps I'm overdosing on caffeine? I dunno. I hate that Life has no control. There are always too many variables changing at once. <shrugs> We'll see where this one goes as spring slowly, and inevitably, approaches. I can always stop cold-turkey again like I did last year around March, but it took almost the entire rest of the year to see any improvement whatsoever, and my memory is so feeble, that it's entirely possible that I'm confabulating any improvement whatsoever simply to exacerbate the problem more in my mind. I really do think I'm my own worst enemy sometimes.

OK, it's after 3:30 AM now so I should get to bed so I can be at least somewhat functional tomorrow.

I *just* remembered that Legion premiered this weekend (I think). FREd sounded like he wanted to see that with me when I expressed interest in the movie. That makes me sad.

Time to go...

So Old

I think I'm finally at the age where I can no longer pull off going to work (or pursuing any other full-day activity) on less than five hours of sleep. I got either three or four last night (I can't even remember that much) and people suffered today. My patience just goes to shit. I was bordering on being rude with the Dumbass, but he deserved it either way. He came over like less than five minutes after I got in and proceeded to tell me a story about how his daughter (age nine?) learned a new sassy phrase (not from him, God forbid) over the weekend: "talk to the booty because the hand is off duty". He did the little hip jut and everything. It was literally disgusting. I had no words at first, but managed to get something out in a language he would understand. It was definitely not the way to start the day. The only consolation that man brings to my Life is the notion that if he managed to find a mate who will put up with his nonsense, there may yet be hope for me, albeit faint. Plus, there's no guarantee either of the two involved are actually happy.

But back to the tiredness and loss of patience...it makes me actually feel bad, which I suppose is neither deep nor particularly revealing. I will have to see if I feel bad enough to change my habits. I still have no clue how people with families, namely children, do it. I came home from work and the piece-of-shit downstairs fluorescent light was not working (again), and it managed to sap the very last bit of energy and patience I had. Imagine having to deal with that kind of thing on a daily basis and to the nth degree. All I can say is that it's a good thing I will never have children.

Used a Ladytron lyric as my status message today and totally mindfucked FREd as a result ("If I give you Sugar, will you give me something elusive and temporary?). I love how he (and Papí back in the day) automatically assumes all my status messages are solely for his consumption (FREd is fond of that word). In this case, to be truthful, it was, but they've done that before when it wasn't. I just find that amusing. Again, not deep or insightful.

Anyway, he sent two apologetic and self-flagellating e-mails to which I did not respond until the mid-afternoon. I may have gone a little too sappy in my tone, and he came right back with supportive words and the offer of a big hug (emphasis his). I didn't respond after that except to say good night when he did so first. I don't know where to go from here with this one. I have been here before with Papí and this déjà vu is sickening. I can either continue to remain distant and run the risk of losing his interest, or come crawling back and claiming insanity by way of overly negative expectations (which he has already kind of bought). I wish I didn't have to do anything. I feel like no distinct event really precipitated this except for the fact that we didn't see each other this last weekend. Is my connection to people this tenuous and spastic? Am I so flaky and clingy and whiny? OK, yes to the whiny part. I'll chalk the other ones up to general poor sleep habits (that's not as specious as it sounds).

OK, I'm starting to get a little too analytical for my own good. A quip from Absolutely Fabulous (or was it Will & Grace?) comes to mind regarding making sure you never let yourself get too deep without getting sloshed, lest you start to take yourself seriously before you pass out. OK, yeah, the delivery on that was terrible, but I'm pretty sure whatever it was applies here.

I just need to get to bed. If I wrap this up and finish stuffing my face with (likely) unneeded calories (no exercise tonight!), I could get ten hours! Squee!!!!!!

P.S. Not only does the new Domino's pizza phail, but it also fucks with my gastrointestinal system, which is already shitty (ha). So not cool.

Too Much of One and Not Enough of Another

Well, work was productive enough today. Transferred the Super Smash Bros. Brawl MP3s to the work computer and listened to some of them all the way through for the first time...and was underwhelmed. I don't think it helps that some of the tracks loop. Some of the songs were meant to only be played through one two- or three-minute brawl at a time. <shrugs> Also had somewhat embarrassing washroom incident with my VP, but it is a public restroom after all, so these things are bound to happen. <shrugs yet again> I don't think I'll ever get over that inhibition, not even with a partner (who doesn't exist).

FREd called about ten minutes before I left the house for work. I was kind of irked, although it's better that I was there so he didn't have to chat with The Mother in my stead; that would *not* have gone well. He had sent two e-mails that I had not seen since I sent mine very early Monday morning and was concerned that I was upset, which is really adorable and all that, but probably only if we were actual boyfriends or partners. I suppose this should be "normal" behavior between two close friends, but somehow I'm just not getting it, especially with the trial that looms ahead. It's the exact opposite of the behavior that will be appropriate very soon (hell, even now), so I was very uneasy on the phone (not like I'm a master of that mode in the first place). I lied through my teeth while he gushed on the other end and tried to give me a hard time. Again, in a different context, this would have made my day, but it was a nuisance, at best.

And I know, I should be (and think I am) flattered that somebody should show any interest whatsoever, let alone this bordering-on-clinginess, but he's unavailable and I got too close. If I were smart, I'd probably be trying my damnedest to make the most of these next two or three weeks before he gets into it with his partner, but I'm so much more comfortable with retreating into my shell like I had been for so many years. Sometimes I think I pursue allow myself to be pursued by these men precisely because I know they are unavailable. It's convenient for them since they can just go back to their partners or other men-on-the-side if they tire of me. In a sense, it's convenient for me, as well, as I can use their unavailability as an excuse should I either fail or succeed more than I want.

I'm seriously considering reverting to the Original Plan. Then again, I don't want to seem like a fair-weather friend, either. These men (especially FREd) have been so generous with me. It would be terrible on my part not to be there for FREd during the upcoming events involving his partner. Then again, that is an intensely private and internal affair (the Prime Directive from the Star Trek series seems relevant as an influence here).

What's really bad is that I got an e-mail sent from Papí's cell phone today saying that his "surgery went well". I had completely forgotten that he was having any! =X I didn't even wish him well beforehand. I wonder if he noticed. I sent a "get well" e-mail and am considering getting a card and some dark chocolate tomorrow, but I'm not sure. The FREd issue has totally moved my focus away from him. I do feel guilty, but in a very qualified way.

I could drone on, but it's after 4 AM and tomorrow (today) will likely be the most difficult of the remaining four days this week, and as usual, I'm going into it with basically no sleep. How much longer can I keep doing this?

The More Things Change, the More They Piss Me Off

A couple of notes seeing as I should get to bed since I have to go into WORK tomorrow, unlike most people (in general) and almost all people in my company:

• Ordered Domino's pizza for dinner tonight since going out with FREd didn't happen (more on that below). Usually their pizza is some of the best around, in my humble opinion, especially when adjusted for the fact that's it's fast-food pizza, but apparently they recently changed their "recipe". As the box so gloriously described, they changed up just about everything. They added lots of garlic to the outer crust, which is a plus. Unfortunately, they fucked with the cheese mixture (added provolone) and made the sauce a bit spicier. In concert, they totally remove any benefit afforded by the additional garlic flavor, as the new combination just doesn't gel. One of the principle reasons I liked their pizza so much before was because it was so simple. <shrugs> This is the seventh major Italian food loss in recent memory (1. sausage and peppers and onions at Sopraffina; 2. all flatbread pizzas at Così; 3. sausage ravioli at Sopraffina; 4. sausage and peppers rustica at Olive Garden; 5. seafood portofino (name might be wrong) at Olive Garden; and 6. sweet and spicy Italian sausage pizza at California Pizza Kitchen). It's most discouraging. Things are annoying enough as is without having one's delicacies taken away (damn am I bourgeois?!). I swear, it's some kind of conspiracy.
  
• No encounter with FREd this weekend (tomorrow is out due to my working and his schedule with his partner in the afternoon/evening). It's almost become a regular affair (pun [?] intended I suppose), so, I'll admit, it's kind of saddening. He'll be out of town all next weekend, so that makes the next prolonged encounter due around the very end of the month, if that even happens. The positive way to look at this is that it kind of acts as a trial run for what will happen come February and later (if all goes well, which again, I['m supposed to] hope is the case). I wrote him an e-mail that was bordering on cool, if not cold, in tone, yet there was also a sense of upbeatness to it. I can't quite describe it at the moment since I'm getting tired, but its desired effect is very well defined in my mind. The message reminds of some of those I sent to Papí when we were closer and I occasionally pulled back in defense or selfishness. Is this considered "playing games"? I don't know. I argue that it's a form of psychological preemptive self-defense, but that may just be a cop-out. I'd rather keep my expectations *very* low regarding anything with him for February and later, and hopefully be surprised if things are better than expected. I guess it would be a plus if I could do that without being an ass at the same time. We'll see how he responds and adapt as needed.
  

I wish things would stop changing. I wish I could stop everything and finally get ahead. That should have happened over break, but it didn't. And it *so* could have, but I didn't foresee certain time sucks. Oh well. Must sleep now since this will be a full week, one way, or another.