Clearly, it's been a while since I last posted. I was legitimately more busy with work the past 2-3 weeks with year-end shit, although I rarely stayed late on any given weeknight. It was more my weekends that suffered, working either in the office or from home. The lack of entries still stems more from the inability to get myself going and stay going once I get home from work. Papí can't seem to understand why I can't be more productive with my weeknights, and I really have no defense except that deep down I must be too lazy and undetermined enough to do anything about it. However, I come home from work tonight more frustrated than ever with where my Life is and where it is (not) going. I need to make some changes, and soon.
Anyway, some notes before I forget:
FREd has been essentially MIA the past two weeks due to an enormous workload (the other people in his department are grossly incompetent) and the fact that one of his dogs (the one with the same name as me; I'll be selfish here and hope that's not some kind of omen) has come down with SARDS (Sudden Acquired Retinal Degeneration Syndrome). Between the rough patch back in January and this latest separation, 2010 has not been a kind year thus far to our friend/relationship. Nevertheless, the fact that it has survived in some form I suppose is some kind of comfort and testament to what it is and will hopefully continue to be.
We were supposed to do lunch today @1:30, but that soon became 2, then 2:30. I was actually starting to get a little upset, and both Papí and T said I should have cancelled and rescheduled, but given that I was anticipating he would be in Iowa this weekend and all of next week seeking treatment for his dog, I just had to see him. Besides, I had his Valentine's Day gift (absurdly late, I know) and a card for his dog that just had to be delivered. We finally met up around 3:20, but then ended up at the stupid Aon Center doing greasy Sopraffina cavatappi and meat sauce (me) and Jimmy John's (him). I was thoroughly disappointed with the fare and location, but the conversation was pretty good. We had a nice hug in the elevator ride up, but it was *way* too short (he had that "sad" look on his face again as he pulled away). Speaking of elevators, we missed one right when we got to the elevator bank (it's now a habit for FREd or Papí and I to always get an elevator to ourselves for obvious reasons), so without even really catching myself or thinking it through all the way, I angrily hit the elevator "up" button, loud and hard enough that I think I may have freaked FREd out. I think I may have a bit of a temper that, although I've managed to keep under control thus far, may be peeking through as my continued frustration eats away at my mental defenses.
Anyway, the point of all this is that I couldn't work at all once I got back, so I didn't finalize any of my New Mexico reserves, and thus now have to work a bit from home yet again this weekend, despite year-end being essentially over. I can't allow this to become a habit. I have to learn how to put these feelings and reactions to relationships and personal frustrations out of my mind so I can get my work done, or I'm going to end up having no true free extended leisure time at all.
The other point is that I am really going to miss FREd these next few days (few is being kind, it's more like a full nine days until I see him again at the earliest, and I won't hear much from him digitally either as he shies away from using his personal e-mail to contact me much anymore). I will have to find distraction, hopefully somehow of the productive variety, if I am not to remain low.
- I'm sick of my workouts plateauing and not gaining much muscle mass/volume anymore. I need to contact Noodles and Beef and get some additional details regarding one of his latest posts discussing his workout routine. I would love to be as thick as him and his boyfriend. I hope he responds. I would love to kindle some kind of online friendship with him, even though I suspect he is out of my league in every sense imaginable.
- T is talking (semi-seriously) about moving, possibly back to Nigeria in the medium-term future. I don't know how I would cope going to work without her there. Sure, I would (presumably, but not necessarily) still have FREd and Papí and a few others to IM with and such, but T is the one I can literally spends hours at a time with at her cube and really have a good time.
- The pimples on the chest and stomach are officially back, not like they ever *truly* left, but they are definitely back with some degree of vengeance. I'm also getting some up around my beardline on my neck and it's pissing me off because I can't even hide those. The gel the dermatologist gave me to use either isn't working or hasn't started working yet. The face is also temperamental, with pre-pimple-like areas of reddish irritation constantly threatening to evolve into full-fledged pimples. At least I haven't gotten any more on my back (I had a bad one about two weeks ago) and my face was pretty clear today for seeing FREd. However, it's clear that any true degree of consistency in terms of clarity is gone, certainly on a bodywide basis. I'm trying to ignore it or even remain confident, but it still seems like a lie. What is confidence when the underlying truth is ugly? All the confidence in the world will not erase ugly. I also love how Papí says it's all fine and I shouldn't let that stop me, yet he is the one who just went back to the same dermatologist to go back on Accutane because he had a breakout. Talk about hypocritical. How he can hate on FREd for even *supposedly* being hypocritical is kind of annoying to me. Oh well.
- I found out about another gay guy at work, and he's pretty cute. However, of course, he's already partnered. I'm getting really sick of only meeting/learning of middle-aged, partnered men who are completely inaccessible to me.
- The Mother is driving more and more on her own, which is (thankfully) freeing me up more, certainly on the weekends. It should (in principle) only get better as the weather warms, but with her, one always has to wonder what new malady is lurking around the corner.
- The complete series of Daria drops on DVD in May and Metroid: Other M arrives right around my birthday (June 27). They're about all I'm really living for right now, sad but true.
Well, I better wrap this up as I still have to exercise and ideally make a list of all the shit I have to do this weekend and when I've got to do it (probably what I should have been doing instead of writing this entry, but I needed to get some of that business out about FREd being gone at the very least; I have definitely grown too dependent on/attached to him).
