Tired and Selfish as All Fuck

The following was written and intended to be posted either on Tuesday, January 12 or Wednesday, January 13, I can't remember, and is incomplete. Nevertheless, I didn't feel content to allow it to molder on my hard drive, so here it is in its belated and unfinished glory...

OK, was very stupid last night and stayed up till what must have been at least 3 AM and then got up at 6 AM (should have been 5 AM, but *somehow* overslept), so I am completely fried. The worst part is, it's made me lose my patience for just about everything (especially people, a couple of who may have suffered as a result this afternoon), and so I need to get to bed.

That being said, I also feel compelled to share a few things:

• Tried doing coffee with FREd in the morning, but both of us were too busy. Settled for just meeting up in the company cafeteria around 4:30 PM (which is literally abandoned at that time). Frankly, the conversation was not fulfilling. I had the best of intentions, wanting to be a "true" friend more in the vein described by an article I made my way to via a friend of a friend's blog (which I may start following shortly). I really wanted to be there for him since he's been having such difficulty dealing with the dullards around him in his job, especially this time of year when both our areas are extremely busy, but I just don't think I had the energy. My responses were canned at best. I'm not sure he noticed or thought negatively of it if he did, and I'm not sure whether that's good or bad or means nothing at all. I found myself, even more than usual, wanting him to, frankly, shut up (that's so mean) and just let me look at ogle him or hold him or something more physical (base?). I think I'm that way more than I am willing to admit, and it's only adequate rest that keeps up my defenses and façades. I want to believe that I really like him for more than just what he can provide physically, and I think I'm further along with him in that regard than I am/was with Papí, but there are still doubts. Perhaps I'm just not allowing myself to come to terms with the fact that he's not perfect (not like I am, obviously). I continue to wonder if I'm pushing too hard with this "relationship". I don't want to end up resenting him someday, but I see bits and pieces of that already when reality comes to the fore. For example, in a fit of complete selfishness, I must confess that when he mentioned how he might be going to Iowa this three-day weekend, I became immediately sad, angry, isolated, and jealous, and yet, I have no right to be. Hell, I wouldn't be within my rights to feel that way even if we were in a "real" relationship. I even told him and myself that I knew the parameters of this arrangement going in and that I had calibrated my expectations (I hate that word in this context, but it's accurate) to match. Maybe I lied, or said it in hopes that doing so would automatically make it so. It doesn't.