Just came back from family Easter at the half-brother's. It's gotten me in a mood where I finally need to get some things down "on paper", especially given that it's been essentially a month since I last did:
- The family get-together was not fun, to be blunt. Admittedly, I went in not wanting to be there, so I kind of had a chip on my shoulder. I wasn't overtly mean or anything, but I sat off to one side for almost the entire time, minus the meal, staring out the window. The only "normal" family member (my nephew) left about twenty minutes after we arrived, so I didn't even have him around to serve as a buffer; my great-nephew screeched a good deal of the time (he's almost two now, but it was still obnoxious); and the worst part was that my half-sister (and to some degree in league with my half-brother) hit me up for up to $5,000 for a down payment on a townhouse.
I have so many thoughts about that request right now that I can't even organize them enough to put into coherent form here, but suffice it to say I'm not thrilled with the prospect. Even being asked puts me in a difficult position, whether I choose to provide the funds (in which case I set further precedent and also risk never seeing that money again) or not (which engenders bad blood, my half-sister's claims of no retaliation notwithstanding; talk about bullshit!). At least I have a couple of weeks to decide, although I don't think I'll really have time to give it much thought given how busy work will be. Whatever time I have to myself will likely be spent in the usual mode, i.e., centered on my niggling issues and me. I suspect that in the end, I will give her the money, but there will have to be some serious strings attached this time.
- FREd and I have not seen much of each other in the last month, as my prior post began to suggest. Work has eased up a bit for him, but he's still micromanaged to Death, which leaves him little time away from his desk for us to have nice long, lunches like we used to. His one dog had treatment for his eye condition, but unfortunately, it does not appear at this point that it was particularly effective. This change in circumstances requiring additional attention has taken up more of his time as well, and quite possibly weakened his spirit a bit in the process, understandably so.
A somewhat expected side-effect of this situation, however, is that it brought him and his partner closer together than they have been in a long time. This in turn helped alleviate a problem in their relationship, at least partially, which has (both objectively and subjectively) decreased FREd's need/desire for me. This kind of came to a head during a rare lunch we had a week or two ago where we had the discussion I was dreading back in January regarding what exactly defines "cheating" and where our friend/relationship would go from here. I, for better or for worse, cited an operational definition that a wise friend shared with me recently: "if you can't tell your partner about it, it's cheating", which I tend to agree with. FREd was astounded by the simplicity and efficiency by which this definition parameterizes such situations, and immediately latched onto it. He ran with it, and said that he would have to back off from intimacy with me for a while as he tries to determine where his relationship with his partner stands (i.e., is this change in behavior just a result of the situation with the sick pet, or is it a fundamental and enduring shift in how they relate to each other). He of course did so entirely justifiably, and as a good friend I hope that it does work out for them, but I also of course would be lying if I said I didn't miss holding him, kissing him, and doing some other things to him that I omit here out of some strange sense of demureness that doesn't really fit with the nature of an honest and open blog. <shrugs>
In any event, I miss him, a lot. We've had a couple of times where attempts to meet up have been discussed but then never materialize. If this continues indefinitely, I may begin to give more credence to the voice in the back of my head that says I was somehow used. Perhaps that is simply Resentment talking. Only Time will tell.
- My right knee has been bothering me for about the last week and a half. I'm worried it's similar to what I did to my left knee about two years ago (still don't know how) where I had to stop doing squats for about a month. I would hate for a setback like that to occur again, especially when I have so little to hold onto in the way of self-esteem/progress/accomplishments. I'm trying to lay off it as much as possible, but I also have a compulsion to test it constantly to see if it's getting better, which is almost certainly counterproductive. I only exercised three of these past four days I've been off, so hopefully the extra time between workouts will do it some good, without having sapped too much of my strength.
- Speaking of workouts, I finally contacted Noodles and Beef via commenting on his blog regarding his workout routine, but he has not responded. =( As usual, I suspect I waited too long. Damn procrastination!!! Will I ever learn? (No.)
Finally, and probably the most important feeling I am compelled to share, is a sense of being at a loss for where I am and what I am doing, in the most general sense. Is this the newly-coined "quarter-life crisis"? I don't know. I would hate to succumb to something so cliché, but I suppose that feeling itself has become cliché, and imposing any kind of judgment on the situation in that fashion is probably a distraction at best. All I can say is that I find myself increasingly at odds with the weekly routine. I thought a little break would help, but I piddled that away and have no renewed momentum. Of course, the thought of "maybe you needed a longer break" comes to mind, but I suspect that is a red herring.
I also find myself increasingly sentimental with respect to things I shouldn't be overly moved by, and not sensitive enough to things I probably should be. I will watch episodes of TV shows where somebody dies and nearly be moved to tears, and then when my aunt/godmother died recently, I really didn't think as much if as I should (should being a dangerous word there in any sense). I have a disturbing feeling that it really means I am more selfish and self-pitying than I have any right to be.
I suppose what it all comes down to is that with one quarter of 2010 already over, I would have to say I'm in worse position (net) than I was when the year began. We'll see what 2010Q2 has to say for itself, but I don't hold out much hope for things changing for the better.
