Reconciliation

Wow, a full workweek between entries. I suspect this frequency will continue throughout February due to work constraints, all the while trying to keep up appearances socially, something I'm still very much getting used to. Valentine's Day should be interesting this year. I need to get a head start on that for sure if I want to have a chance of not being caught unprepared.

A few notes regarding what transpired this week before I get my leg sets on:

• Made up with FREd Wednesday afternoon. Had what must have been an hour-and-a-half long chat in the conference room on my floor. It's too much to go into now, but suffice it to say we agreed that our my lack of communication was probably the biggest issue/blunder. I overreacted to what was only a potentiality (regardless of its likelihood), didn't fully take into account his situation, and underestimated his feelings toward me. Toward the end, it was I who made the first physical gesture by taking his hand, which I think is important to me (a sign of assertiveness, physically no less). We hugged before we went our separate ways for the evening; I forgot how much I missed his embrace. Also, later in the conversation, he remarked how I looked intimidating when he walked into the room, not something I'm known for (go me?). We had lunch today (Friday) and it was pretty good. We didn't have as much time as we would have liked due to his review being in the afternoon, but it was much better than the last lunch we had in the Aon cafeteria, which is perhaps the closest thing to a concrete event that precipitated this falling out. Too bad I won't see him this weekend, though. Luckily, the missed Legion encounter mentioned in the prior entry will likely happen next weekend, so I'm happy. It may be the last opportunity for intense physical interaction for what could be, well, ever, which is what I feared during this episode, but I simply have to accept that and not lose sight of the remainder of the relationship (which I like to think is the larger part, but I'm not entirely certain; physicality is very important to me, possibly too much, but that will have to be explored later).
  
• T was out like four days this week. She did indeed have tooth problems related to a failed root canal or something, but I think she's definitively depressed again, as she gets this time of year. She doesn't respond much to e-mails. I really need to get a phone so I can at least text her. I think that would go over better. Hopefully she'll get back to her normal self soon.
  
• Saw Sherlock Holmes with Papí and his partner tonight. The movie was surprisingly good. I really liked how Downey Jr. and Law played their characters. Their bond was very endearing without being sappy or overly played up. Either that or I read too much into it. Conversation prior to film and during dinner was okay, not too tense. I always end up a little stressed during these encounters, though, mostly because my usual lack of conversational skills is further compromised by having to watch every word I say lest I expose my actions with Papí or reveal what I've done with FREd, which neither one of them can know about. Even talking to FREd has that difficulty as I almost called him Jim today at lunch, which is like the ultimate offense. =0
  
• Told my boss (presumably as she was preparing my review) that I had effectively done no continuing education in 2009. We'll see how that affects my rating. I definitely won't be an "Excellent" this year, especially since they changed the rating system from three to five tiers. As long as they don't fire me or materially reduce my pay, I really don't care what they do salary-wise. Very little there motivates me anymore. I occasionally have visions of grandiose model or database rewrites, but I never even break ground on them.
  

There was more, I swear, but I've finished my pre-workout drink and I really need to get to these leg sets before I lose what little energy I have left. There is much to do this weekend, as always...

Brand Betrayal

Lack of recent blog entries can be attributed to the rare productivity of this past three-day (yes, three, thank God) weekend. I'm pretty content with how much I got done, although there are a few material items that still should have been done. Nevertheless, I will try to focus on the positive in order to remain motivated.

I begin writing this entry as I just finished ordering a PSP from Amazon.com. A few years ago that would have been complete sacrilege, as I was (and still consider myself to be to some degree) a Nintendo loyalist. However, having lost my Nintendo DSi a couple of weeks back and still not having a dedicated portable MP3 player or cell phone, I've grown tired of having to revert to my prior habit of listening to CDs on the train using my Discman (between that and not having a cell phone, I feel like I'm trapped in the early 1990's, all my own fault, of course). I would have gone out and purchased another DSi (I like the pitch-modifier and tempo control its music player offers), but Nintendo is (supposedly) scheduled to ship the DSi XL sometime in the first quarter, so I figured that would be a waste. I am irked that we don't have a firmer release date, though. I also considered purchasing an iPod Touch, but even the smallest unit is relatively expensive and has little (and also very fixed) memory @8 GB, and if I do eventually get a cell phone, it may not be worth it. It is a pretty toy, though, and if I can get a deal on a version with more memory, I may yet pick one up. I figured that since I already have two PSP games that have been collecting dust in my basement cabinet for what must be at least two years now, I could justify this little spending splurge. Not like I have to defend this decision to anybody, of course.

But back to the issue of being a Nintendo loyalist. While doing research on the PSP, I watched a video review for Mass Effect 2 on IGN.com. I was pretty much blown away. I don't have time to go into all the details why, but on the surface, it just seems to have so much more going for it than the typical "hardcore" Nintendo Wii title. We're talking superior graphics (I mean, the Wii can't even hold a candle to its competitors), better sound, move involved and mature storylines, etc. A full manifesto on the topic is far beyond my capabilities now (and possible ever), but it gets harder and harder to defend one's position as a Nintendo loyalist these days. With technologies like 3-D TV and superior motion control (e.g., Project Natal on Xbox 360) on the horizon or even already here, Nintendo's recent efforts seem lazy at best. IGN has posted a couple of articles on the subject and I can't help but agreeing with most of what they have to say. I can't even imagine what games like Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, or the Metroid Prime trilogy would have looked and played like on a superior console. Now, it's possible Nintendo has something really phenomenal up its sleeve, but somehow based on recent experience, I find that harder and harder to accept on faith.

In light of this and further introspection (e.g., with current and likely future prospects on the manhunt front dwindling rapidly), the need for personal entertainment and diversion is increasing. To deny myself the opportunity to play games on other systems due to some sense of loyalty that might not even be justifiable any longer just doesn't make sense. I like to think of myself as a loyal person (although recent events with FREd and Papí may call that into question somewhat), but if that loyalty isn't earned or maintained, then such misplaced dedication is just an exercise in futility. Besides, given how good some of Nintendo's main series' music has been, I greatly look forward to what some of these other epic games sound like on other systems.

Having engaged in that self-exoneration, I could see myself owning an Xbox 360 and/or a PS3 within the next month. That would also give me additional impulse to upgrade my surround sound system, and possibly even my TV, which I've been thinking about more and more lately.

I actually finished composing all my Christmas thank you cards except for FREd's. I'm not sure where we stand right now. It's been over a week since we've seen each other in person, and now three whole consecutive days without any communication whatsoever, which was unheard of prior to this little falling out, or whatever it should be termed. I'm seriously considering giving back the money he gave me as a Christmas gift to use toward a Blu-Ray player. If we do end up terminating this relationship, I would feel obligated to do so out of some sense of making sure he breaks even on the relationship from a financial perspective (how Ð, I know, to anybody who gets that reference). Even if we do make up, as it were, I would still like to return the funds as some sort of penance or reparation. No matter what, writing this thank you will take some serious time. It would have even if things had still been on good terms. Sometimes I wish people would give me nothing at all, as the thanking process often more than offsets the gain, material or otherwise.

This week should be relatively easy now that year-end reserves are final. We have a bit of a lull until FR gets its act together and sends us shit. If I were smart, I'd use the time to clean and do some other catch-up work, but I'll find a way to fuck that up without fail.

I can't believe January is already almost over. One-twelfth of 2010, gone, just like that.

I woke up from a nap in the basement today all warm and sweaty, which hasn't really happened in a while. I was also warmer and sweated more than usual during my workout. I think for a while there, I actually thought I had this issue beat, or at least a bit more under control, but I fear it may be returning, and fast. I suspect it might have something to do with protein supplements after all, at least the ones that I take during the day. I've recently gone back to drinking two servings (approximately 50-60g total depending on the brand) on the days after I work out, so maybe that's it? I've also started mixing my workout powder with coffee both before and during my workouts, so perhaps I'm overdosing on caffeine? I dunno. I hate that Life has no control. There are always too many variables changing at once. <shrugs> We'll see where this one goes as spring slowly, and inevitably, approaches. I can always stop cold-turkey again like I did last year around March, but it took almost the entire rest of the year to see any improvement whatsoever, and my memory is so feeble, that it's entirely possible that I'm confabulating any improvement whatsoever simply to exacerbate the problem more in my mind. I really do think I'm my own worst enemy sometimes.

OK, it's after 3:30 AM now so I should get to bed so I can be at least somewhat functional tomorrow.

I *just* remembered that Legion premiered this weekend (I think). FREd sounded like he wanted to see that with me when I expressed interest in the movie. That makes me sad.

Time to go...

So Old

I think I'm finally at the age where I can no longer pull off going to work (or pursuing any other full-day activity) on less than five hours of sleep. I got either three or four last night (I can't even remember that much) and people suffered today. My patience just goes to shit. I was bordering on being rude with the Dumbass, but he deserved it either way. He came over like less than five minutes after I got in and proceeded to tell me a story about how his daughter (age nine?) learned a new sassy phrase (not from him, God forbid) over the weekend: "talk to the booty because the hand is off duty". He did the little hip jut and everything. It was literally disgusting. I had no words at first, but managed to get something out in a language he would understand. It was definitely not the way to start the day. The only consolation that man brings to my Life is the notion that if he managed to find a mate who will put up with his nonsense, there may yet be hope for me, albeit faint. Plus, there's no guarantee either of the two involved are actually happy.

But back to the tiredness and loss of patience...it makes me actually feel bad, which I suppose is neither deep nor particularly revealing. I will have to see if I feel bad enough to change my habits. I still have no clue how people with families, namely children, do it. I came home from work and the piece-of-shit downstairs fluorescent light was not working (again), and it managed to sap the very last bit of energy and patience I had. Imagine having to deal with that kind of thing on a daily basis and to the nth degree. All I can say is that it's a good thing I will never have children.

Used a Ladytron lyric as my status message today and totally mindfucked FREd as a result ("If I give you Sugar, will you give me something elusive and temporary?). I love how he (and Papí back in the day) automatically assumes all my status messages are solely for his consumption (FREd is fond of that word). In this case, to be truthful, it was, but they've done that before when it wasn't. I just find that amusing. Again, not deep or insightful.

Anyway, he sent two apologetic and self-flagellating e-mails to which I did not respond until the mid-afternoon. I may have gone a little too sappy in my tone, and he came right back with supportive words and the offer of a big hug (emphasis his). I didn't respond after that except to say good night when he did so first. I don't know where to go from here with this one. I have been here before with Papí and this déjà vu is sickening. I can either continue to remain distant and run the risk of losing his interest, or come crawling back and claiming insanity by way of overly negative expectations (which he has already kind of bought). I wish I didn't have to do anything. I feel like no distinct event really precipitated this except for the fact that we didn't see each other this last weekend. Is my connection to people this tenuous and spastic? Am I so flaky and clingy and whiny? OK, yes to the whiny part. I'll chalk the other ones up to general poor sleep habits (that's not as specious as it sounds).

OK, I'm starting to get a little too analytical for my own good. A quip from Absolutely Fabulous (or was it Will & Grace?) comes to mind regarding making sure you never let yourself get too deep without getting sloshed, lest you start to take yourself seriously before you pass out. OK, yeah, the delivery on that was terrible, but I'm pretty sure whatever it was applies here.

I just need to get to bed. If I wrap this up and finish stuffing my face with (likely) unneeded calories (no exercise tonight!), I could get ten hours! Squee!!!!!!

P.S. Not only does the new Domino's pizza phail, but it also fucks with my gastrointestinal system, which is already shitty (ha). So not cool.

Too Much of One and Not Enough of Another

Well, work was productive enough today. Transferred the Super Smash Bros. Brawl MP3s to the work computer and listened to some of them all the way through for the first time...and was underwhelmed. I don't think it helps that some of the tracks loop. Some of the songs were meant to only be played through one two- or three-minute brawl at a time. <shrugs> Also had somewhat embarrassing washroom incident with my VP, but it is a public restroom after all, so these things are bound to happen. <shrugs yet again> I don't think I'll ever get over that inhibition, not even with a partner (who doesn't exist).

FREd called about ten minutes before I left the house for work. I was kind of irked, although it's better that I was there so he didn't have to chat with The Mother in my stead; that would *not* have gone well. He had sent two e-mails that I had not seen since I sent mine very early Monday morning and was concerned that I was upset, which is really adorable and all that, but probably only if we were actual boyfriends or partners. I suppose this should be "normal" behavior between two close friends, but somehow I'm just not getting it, especially with the trial that looms ahead. It's the exact opposite of the behavior that will be appropriate very soon (hell, even now), so I was very uneasy on the phone (not like I'm a master of that mode in the first place). I lied through my teeth while he gushed on the other end and tried to give me a hard time. Again, in a different context, this would have made my day, but it was a nuisance, at best.

And I know, I should be (and think I am) flattered that somebody should show any interest whatsoever, let alone this bordering-on-clinginess, but he's unavailable and I got too close. If I were smart, I'd probably be trying my damnedest to make the most of these next two or three weeks before he gets into it with his partner, but I'm so much more comfortable with retreating into my shell like I had been for so many years. Sometimes I think I pursue allow myself to be pursued by these men precisely because I know they are unavailable. It's convenient for them since they can just go back to their partners or other men-on-the-side if they tire of me. In a sense, it's convenient for me, as well, as I can use their unavailability as an excuse should I either fail or succeed more than I want.

I'm seriously considering reverting to the Original Plan. Then again, I don't want to seem like a fair-weather friend, either. These men (especially FREd) have been so generous with me. It would be terrible on my part not to be there for FREd during the upcoming events involving his partner. Then again, that is an intensely private and internal affair (the Prime Directive from the Star Trek series seems relevant as an influence here).

What's really bad is that I got an e-mail sent from Papí's cell phone today saying that his "surgery went well". I had completely forgotten that he was having any! =X I didn't even wish him well beforehand. I wonder if he noticed. I sent a "get well" e-mail and am considering getting a card and some dark chocolate tomorrow, but I'm not sure. The FREd issue has totally moved my focus away from him. I do feel guilty, but in a very qualified way.

I could drone on, but it's after 4 AM and tomorrow (today) will likely be the most difficult of the remaining four days this week, and as usual, I'm going into it with basically no sleep. How much longer can I keep doing this?

The More Things Change, the More They Piss Me Off

A couple of notes seeing as I should get to bed since I have to go into WORK tomorrow, unlike most people (in general) and almost all people in my company:

• Ordered Domino's pizza for dinner tonight since going out with FREd didn't happen (more on that below). Usually their pizza is some of the best around, in my humble opinion, especially when adjusted for the fact that's it's fast-food pizza, but apparently they recently changed their "recipe". As the box so gloriously described, they changed up just about everything. They added lots of garlic to the outer crust, which is a plus. Unfortunately, they fucked with the cheese mixture (added provolone) and made the sauce a bit spicier. In concert, they totally remove any benefit afforded by the additional garlic flavor, as the new combination just doesn't gel. One of the principle reasons I liked their pizza so much before was because it was so simple. <shrugs> This is the seventh major Italian food loss in recent memory (1. sausage and peppers and onions at Sopraffina; 2. all flatbread pizzas at Così; 3. sausage ravioli at Sopraffina; 4. sausage and peppers rustica at Olive Garden; 5. seafood portofino (name might be wrong) at Olive Garden; and 6. sweet and spicy Italian sausage pizza at California Pizza Kitchen). It's most discouraging. Things are annoying enough as is without having one's delicacies taken away (damn am I bourgeois?!). I swear, it's some kind of conspiracy.
  
• No encounter with FREd this weekend (tomorrow is out due to my working and his schedule with his partner in the afternoon/evening). It's almost become a regular affair (pun [?] intended I suppose), so, I'll admit, it's kind of saddening. He'll be out of town all next weekend, so that makes the next prolonged encounter due around the very end of the month, if that even happens. The positive way to look at this is that it kind of acts as a trial run for what will happen come February and later (if all goes well, which again, I['m supposed to] hope is the case). I wrote him an e-mail that was bordering on cool, if not cold, in tone, yet there was also a sense of upbeatness to it. I can't quite describe it at the moment since I'm getting tired, but its desired effect is very well defined in my mind. The message reminds of some of those I sent to Papí when we were closer and I occasionally pulled back in defense or selfishness. Is this considered "playing games"? I don't know. I argue that it's a form of psychological preemptive self-defense, but that may just be a cop-out. I'd rather keep my expectations *very* low regarding anything with him for February and later, and hopefully be surprised if things are better than expected. I guess it would be a plus if I could do that without being an ass at the same time. We'll see how he responds and adapt as needed.
  

I wish things would stop changing. I wish I could stop everything and finally get ahead. That should have happened over break, but it didn't. And it *so* could have, but I didn't foresee certain time sucks. Oh well. Must sleep now since this will be a full week, one way, or another.

Ups and Downs

As I reread some older posts and have just posted an entry from several days ago (obviously quite belatedly), I begin to wonder if the (inevitable?) decline in frequency of blogging has already begun. <shrugs>

This was a strange week. From a work perspective, it wasn't that difficult. In fact, I accomplished barely anything at all. I also got at least nine hours of sleep two of the days. Nevertheless, I end the week very tired. I supposed it doesn't help that the other days I got between two and five hours of sleep, tops. I just can't seem to get into bed at a decent hour on the nights when I exercise.

I think a major reason for the lowness is that this week was a trying one with respect to my gay posse (I need a better collective reference for them; will work on that shortly - suggestions welcome). I had lunch with Papí on Wednesday, which went relatively well. We were at least able to come up with enough topics to sustain us through a one-hour-or-so lunch, but if it had lasted much longer than that, I think we would have been approaching awkward silence territory, which makes me feel bad. I don't mind awkward silences as long as there is opportunity for distraction, whether solitary or mutual. It's times like that when not having physical access to them publicly (whether due to fears of homophobia or simply because they don't want to be seen "cheating") really grates on me. Anyway, we had a fantastic kiss from floors one through twenty-five on the way back; he exited the elevator exclaiming, "That was intense!". I lied through my teeth during lunch about not having done anything with FREd since the "special hug" way back in November, but given how my kissing technique has changed (improved?), I suspect he knows that I am deceiving him. Not sure if that will come back to bite me in the ass later or not, but if that doesn't, something else will, I'm virtually certain now. I thought all this lying and general Deception would be fun and edgy, but it's actually very straining.

Thursday was lunch with Jim (not sure what alias to use for him, but there are so many Jim's, both in my Life and the World, that I think I'm pretty safe here), which I was not looking forward to at all (I need to learn how to say "No."). Both he and Papí had gone together to a Lady GaGa concert the previous Sunday, so I heard all the same stories Papí relayed again during this encounter, which wasn't so bad since it was occupying Time. During the actual meal, I asked him about his recent purchase of a TENS unit for erotic use (I was given this as a reference, but it looks like you have to register to view the forums. I think these are an adequate representation of what is being used). He fiddled with his phone (a bad habit which I agree with FREd on; if you're visiting with somebody in person, give him or her your full attention unless it's an emergency. Now watch, as soon as I get a phone [the twelfth of Never, I know], I will immediately partake in the same bad habit) and eventually produced a video of one of his sessions. At first he didn't show me, all coy-like, and then asked if he should send it to Papí. (Possibly) quite foolishly, I egged him on, even saying that he should tell him that I was the one who suggested it be sent. He summarily did so and then wouldn't let me watch it for fear of the people behind me seeing it (not like his face was in it or anything). On the way back, he did show me, and I was pretty unimpressed, with both him and the act itself. At least I can claim I've "seen" another dick of a "real" person, albeit not live, and I'm fine with that (why I should even be sufficiently preoccupied with that count to even mention it makes me tangibly uneasy, as it probably should). He's actually probably the "thickest" of the three, although in clothes you would never know, which is the only real plus I could see about him physically besides his eyes and goatee (and by "thickest", I mean his abdomen, not his dick - just wanted to clarify that for the size-queens and haters out there). That notwithstanding, I am concerned about what the sharing of the video was intended to mean on his part. Is this the prelude to his proposing a physical encounter? (Does asking that question make me even vainer than I quite possibly already/actually am?) If so, I'm uninterested (although I will contradict myself on that to some extent below). Let's just say, for the time being, the thought is offensive. I get just such a sleazy vibe from him, and based on his accounts of his activities, that's not an unfounded perception.

OK, I have to interrupt the flow here to mention that The Mother just complained that it "may have snowed a little" (in the context of having to drive to go grocery shopping tomorrow, and I'm the one doing the driving by the way). The woman cannot withstand even the slightest bit of precipitation. I don't get it! It's maddening!

Now, my high school rumor mill impulse got the better of me, and I of course shared the whole account (including a story related to a little accident involving the TENS unit that I'm not revealing here) with FREd over coffee later that afternoon. He was, of course, mortified, which was the desired effect. However, my comeuppance was quick to arrive, as I had told both Jim and Papí that I had to "run around for a while" via IM before leaving to see FREd (intended to be vague, especially for Papí's sake). Of course, whom do we see leaving the building to go home when the two of us come back? That's right, Papí and Jim. Given that Papí doesn't like FREd (it's as simple as that, whether he admits to that freely and unabashedly or not) or my consorting with him, it did look pretty bad since I had been vague in my IM, which he (correctly) assumed was intentional. I got a very curt goodbye from him and the expression on his face was definitely not a happy one. I think he completely ignored FRED, or was certainly "aloof" to his presence, as FREd puts it so often.

Jim was a little more congenial when he saw us together, but I can only assume he thought I had been relaying his stories directly to FREd as a matter of course. I could be wrong, but I always assume the worst. Again, it simply didn't look good. I didn't hear from him at all on Friday, but at least Papí sent an e-mail goodbye before he left for the three-day weekend, which I guess is a good sign. The point of the somewhat oversold story is that juggling these three and their mutual distaste for each other is, again, not nearly as fun as mainstream media (e.g., what I can only assume TV shows like Desperate Housewives espouse) would have one believe. That may be an unfair assessment or conclusion, but probably not by much.

Most importantly, the "clandestine" lunch with FREd today was extremely awkward (it was left off our work calendars lest Papí or Jim saw it after the Thursday debacle; giving them access to my calendar was almost certainly a weak moment on my part, a shortsighted attempt at openness). I had wanted to go to Giordano's for some pasta since somebody around me had some that was smelling good, but he had to get back earlier than normal since his boss was after him (he's been paranoid about that lately...), so he suggested Sopraffina instead. Their pasta sauces are so greasy, but I acquiesced to be flexible. Of course, they were out of the pasta when we got there (how does that happen at an Italian restaurant?!!?!), so we had to make a hasty decision to go to Jimmy John's instead, which would have been fine had I not had it earlier in the week. We ended up going to the Aon cafeteria to actually eat, and as mentioned earlier, I was already pretty tired, so my defenses were lowered. I made the mistake of talking about work, which then went on for too long, again, although not as bad as mentioned in a prior entry. Nevertheless, it got me in a worse mood. He could tell (it is hard to hide my feelings from him I've found), and so he probed. I had no strength to deflect, so I was probably a little more open about my negative feelings/concerns regarding our "relationship", which have served as ambient noise in my mind recently and have served to materially affect my mood. It's getting too late to go into much more detail without delaying this post (which is not a habit I want to get into), so suffice it to say that the entire conversation from then on was far too sullen, somber, and sobering for what I would have wanted on a Friday afternoon after a long week. He even stated this obvious fact on the walk back (he has a habit of doing that, which I think is done entirely purposefully; sometimes he almost feels like the narrator, a third-party, recalling the conversation and its tone immediately after, like what I don't know). I was visibly unnerved and stammering as we walked back, but I guess the positive part is that he looked very concerned. We did hug on the elevator ride up, which is certainly a rarer event with him than with Papí, so that helped a little.

We got together again around 4:30 PM so I could give him back the Blu-Ray player he got me for Christmas (to return, he gave me cash instead; in retrospect, I see shades of Ð here) and luckily things went a little bit more swimmingly this time around. We discussed more (although still not enough, and certainly not in the best location, an underground parking garage) about how I have significant reservations about where our relationship will go (particularly physically) come February and later when he and his partner are scheduled to go into therapy (if I understand correctly) regarding a "marital issue" I will censor here for the moment, but which is probably obvious. I can't help thinking that if they work out their issue, I will likely not have any physical outlet for the foreseeable future (how selfish am I!?!). Opportunities with (and possibly Desire for) Papí have been and likely will continue to flatline for the time being. Other than that, I have no guaranteed (and that's stretching it) access. It was "OK" before when the encounters with Papí were as infrequent as they were, but now that I've had such a more densely populated experience with FREd, it has, quite naturally in my opinion, increased my appetite for regular access. Should that end, I don't know what I will do or how I will necessarily feel. FREd has put in my mind (quite rightfully so and likely in my best interest, if not selfishly also) that being intimate with Papí or Jim carries more risk than I originally assigned to it. However, if he has to cut me off physically, I can't say I that I won't take the "low-hanging fruit" (that's mean, I know) despite its possibly being rotten. I want to say that I hope things work out with his partner via this therapy or counseling or whatever it is (honestly, mostly because it's the "right" way to feel, especially if I'm a "true" friend), but I struggle to keep myself believing that.

Reading the post above, you might get the impression that the week wasn't really that bad on a relative basis, which it probably wasn't. I think it was more of the fact that it had so many up's and down's in a relatively short period of time (lots of sleep, then too little; good lunch, not-so-good lunch; good conversation, bad conversation) that ultimately ran me down to where I am now.

Speaking of being run down, I've already spent at least an hour on this post and I still have to exercise and get up early tomorrow to help The Mother with errands (the new drill, I'm not liking it). It does feel good, though, to have gotten this all "down on paper". Hopefully I can make this weekend productive, especially since I have to work Monday, unlike most of my colleagues.

Tired and Selfish as All Fuck

The following was written and intended to be posted either on Tuesday, January 12 or Wednesday, January 13, I can't remember, and is incomplete. Nevertheless, I didn't feel content to allow it to molder on my hard drive, so here it is in its belated and unfinished glory...

OK, was very stupid last night and stayed up till what must have been at least 3 AM and then got up at 6 AM (should have been 5 AM, but *somehow* overslept), so I am completely fried. The worst part is, it's made me lose my patience for just about everything (especially people, a couple of who may have suffered as a result this afternoon), and so I need to get to bed.

That being said, I also feel compelled to share a few things:

• Tried doing coffee with FREd in the morning, but both of us were too busy. Settled for just meeting up in the company cafeteria around 4:30 PM (which is literally abandoned at that time). Frankly, the conversation was not fulfilling. I had the best of intentions, wanting to be a "true" friend more in the vein described by an article I made my way to via a friend of a friend's blog (which I may start following shortly). I really wanted to be there for him since he's been having such difficulty dealing with the dullards around him in his job, especially this time of year when both our areas are extremely busy, but I just don't think I had the energy. My responses were canned at best. I'm not sure he noticed or thought negatively of it if he did, and I'm not sure whether that's good or bad or means nothing at all. I found myself, even more than usual, wanting him to, frankly, shut up (that's so mean) and just let me look at ogle him or hold him or something more physical (base?). I think I'm that way more than I am willing to admit, and it's only adequate rest that keeps up my defenses and façades. I want to believe that I really like him for more than just what he can provide physically, and I think I'm further along with him in that regard than I am/was with Papí, but there are still doubts. Perhaps I'm just not allowing myself to come to terms with the fact that he's not perfect (not like I am, obviously). I continue to wonder if I'm pushing too hard with this "relationship". I don't want to end up resenting him someday, but I see bits and pieces of that already when reality comes to the fore. For example, in a fit of complete selfishness, I must confess that when he mentioned how he might be going to Iowa this three-day weekend, I became immediately sad, angry, isolated, and jealous, and yet, I have no right to be. Hell, I wouldn't be within my rights to feel that way even if we were in a "real" relationship. I even told him and myself that I knew the parameters of this arrangement going in and that I had calibrated my expectations (I hate that word in this context, but it's accurate) to match. Maybe I lied, or said it in hopes that doing so would automatically make it so. It doesn't.

Fun While It Lasts

I have precious little time, but I just had to squeeze out a few comments:

• Damn it was cold today! I walked outside for not even ten minutes and my forehead was numb for a long time after.
  
• Had dinner and movie with FREd after working for about five hours:
  
  • Pros
    
    • Had cute waitress at restaurant, which is saying something since I wouldn't normally comment/care. FREd agreed.
      
    • FREd admitted the reason why he gets that "sad look on his face" on occasion when we're intimate is because he really would like to fuck me, but still feels like that would be crossing the line (OK, maybe not quite a "pro", but still informative, and I did want to know).
      
    • Had fabulous make-out session during the movie (Daybreakers). I mean, I don't even recall more than thirty percent of the movie, tops. We're talking serious tongue kissing, fondling, and direct hands-down-his-pants action on my part. Go me! It's fun to be aggressive after all. Even better, he took to it well. =D
      
    • He drove me back to the Howard station so I was able to get there before the last train left.
      
  • Cons
    
    • At dinner, spent entirely too much time talking about work/Valuation theory. Maybe it's been too long since I've interacted with people who genuinely and venerably care about work or our industry or what have you, but it honestly irked me, which I did tell him in the end (which I think was actually a good move on my point; I think T would have been proud). He was taken aback, and I felt a little bad, so I indulged him a bit further, but I'm not sure I could honestly take this on an ongoing basis (I have to wonder, with significant fear, if this were a "real" relationship, would this be a deal-breaker?). I would like to explore this further, possibly even outside this blog (whoa!), but no time now.
      
    • Lost my Nintendo DSi somewhere between leaving work and walking to his car to go home. Checked the restaurant to no avail. Will consider checking movie theatre tomorrow, but it will be a busy day, so I'm kind of writing this one off. Too bad, actually, as that's $170 (system) + $30 (game that was in it at the time, either Metroid Prime: Hunters or Zelda: Phantom Hourglass) + whatever a DS card costs these days. Maybe this is some kind of sign I really do need a phone/MP3 player (or that once I get one, I need to take better care not to lose it). =(
      
    • There were some awkward silences in the car ride from downtown to Howard. I was going to mention it in my "post-date" e-mail, but then lost my nerve. Not sure if it's worth addressing or not.
      
    • I wanted to say, "I love you", but never got it out. Not sure if I'm just pushing/substituting/projecting or not.
      
    • I continue to be very sad after these encounters end. Will I ever find my own man that I can love (and loves me)?
      
• The Mother threatened a "long talk". I'm genuinely scared. I could so see her saying, "If you don't get a cell phone by the end of the month, I'm throwing you out," or "You have to be home all day for at least one day per weekend so I can rely on you," neither of which should be that hard to comply with, per se, but I still don't like where this is going, but that may simply be too bad. <shrugs> At least she didn't bitch when I got home tonight, although I could tell she was not happy. Should I have to apologize for going out? I'm probably oversimplifying there (OK, a lot), but this is not something I was really expecting to have to deal with, but maybe I should have. Frankly, I never really expected to have this kind of opportunity in the first place, but now that it's here, it's very hard to ignore.
  

As always, it seems, there was more to say, but I grow weary and tomorrow is going to be such a rush. I should get up at 6 AM at the latest, but I could totally see myself snoozing until my regular time of 8 AM. I can't wait until reserves are final. Everything else after that is algorithmic, which at least I can handle on minimal to no sleep. This critical thinking shit/decision making is hard (said in whiny little rich girl voice)!

Half-Weekend

It's already 2:30 AM and I have to get up to go to WORK tomorrow (rather, today) because I was less than productive Friday afternoon, so I have to keep this additional entry brief.

Most of today was spent helping The Mother with grocery shopping and taking down Christmas decorations/rearranging the front room. I passed out on the couch around 3 PM and lost most of the rest of the afternoon as a result. No thank you cards were composed, let alone hand-written. I also still even need to write a Christmas card, but luckily, precedence allows me up to three month's leeway on that one. Some things never change.

The Mother may have broken a rib again, this time trying to reach for some steaks at the very bottom of the freezer. It threatens to screw up my plans for both work and play tomorrow, but there's not much I can do about that. I think I'm still having trouble adjusting to the fact that she relies on me so much. I am starting, slowly, to realize just how confined she is here in this house when I'm away. As long as she has the postherpetic neuralgia (diagnosis courtesy of yours truly) and is on so many damned strong drugs, she can't drive, which means she can't run her own errands, or even go to the library to get books. And even if she could get books, she has trouble reading because of the side effects from the Lyrica. So, besides TV (not even DVDs, because she doesn't know how to use the built-in DVD player in any of the TVs despite at least a couple of attempts at lessons), she has no source of entertainment. "Luckily", she can sleep most of the day away, again, due to the drugs, but what kind of Life is that? And, of course, it came up again that she has no way of contacting me when I'm out since I *still* don't have a cell phone. She even said it was "mean" of me not to have gotten one. I think that's a bit harsh, but perhaps she's right. No matter what, as she says, "It's a sad case." I have to be brutally honest and sometimes wonder if she wouldn't be better off just passing and being done with this Life. I mean, what does she have to look forward to? She said she doesn't want to remarry; she has no true friends to speak of, at least in my mind, and she's even hinted at that herself; family of any value is sparse, and she often takes issue with them. Plus, with all her bodily conditions, everyday tasks can be difficult. I could go on, but saying it "out loud" espouses a certain degree of guilt, and it's getting late. Besides, it won't really change anything.

As usual, I feel like there was more to say, but the prior paragraph has left me a bit drained and I also can't let writing these entries in the wee hours of the morning to become another impediment to a better sleeping routine.

Hopefully tomorrow (today!) will be productive in both work and play, but I won't hold my breath.

Back Day 5: Behinder

Note: Some of this entry was written on Friday the eighth, but circumstances and general ineptitude kept me from finishing and posting until now. Will segregate thoughts by double-posting. Text actually written on the eighth is in italics.

Well, the weekend has barely begun and I've already managed to get off on the wrong foot with The Mother. I must have said something wrong about moving boxes or not had enough zest for the already-planned-out-tasks because discord abounds. I took it upon myself as penance to move the big table downstairs back into the laundry room, but when I told her I had, she didn't even react. Frankly, I was kind of pissed. She was probably angry that I didn't wait for her, but that doesn't really fly with me. I did something above and beyond and then didn't get any recognition for it. It's as if we can't see eye to eye to save our lives when it comes to everyday tasks. Harrumph.

Speaking of The Mother, I brought home the jacket T gave me and before I even had it all the way on, she was disapproving of it. "It's too small," was the first comment. "It's like They're trying to make you into something..." she said next (after I protested the previous sentence; quote may be approximate) and I finished her thought, "...that I'm not.". I don't think that's true. I've had in my mind what I would like to wear to be more fashionable for a long time now, and what T and FREd and have bought for me definitely is in line with that within reason. Again, this is likely to be another topic she and I will simply never agree upon.

I forgot to mention on Thursday that the Dumbass had offered up his opinion of my facial hair, saying that he preferred it when it was shorter and trimmed up more. I wonder what made him think I valued his opinion. Seriously. I just nodded and smiled I think. His audacity never ceases to stun me.

Becky came over, quite unexpectedly, to tell me that she did not pass her last exam (must have been DP; I am so out of touch with the exam process, and frankly, I'm fine with that). She seemed to be taking it well. In a vein similar to that above, I wonder what made her think that I was interested in knowing. She and I are not really *that* close. <shrugs> I'd rather talk to her than the Dumbass any day, though, that's for certain. She offered up an interesting perspective when she said that it's not really a race. Whether you take four years or fourteen, the designation you end up with is still the same. It's not entirely true (the superstars who pass every exam on the first attempt get noticed and rewarded, whether you admit that to yourself or not), but it still functions as a salve for one's bruised ego. I told her to go out and party over the weekend (I'm such a bad influence). Regardless, I'll still end up reporting to her someday. Ha.

Back, Day 4: Gray

Note: Word has informed me during grammar check that "simple numbers" should be used after labels, as in "Day 4". Not sure it's worth it to go back and change prior posts. At least I learned something today.

Today was unremarkable except for its continued lack of productivity. I got ten hours of sleep as desired last night, but still managed to spend too much time goofing off at work, either not working at all or working on things that could have waited (a rationalized form of procrastination if I do say so myself). I was also way too tired in the afternoon; maybe that whole "second-day-is-worse" effect was in play. <shrugs>

Even after being in my particular position for over five years now, I still find it difficult to set reserves. There are so many variables to consider, and they so rarely all point to the same conclusion, and my ability to assign the proper weight to the opposing forces is deficient even after all this time. It really shouldn't be such a source of pressure, though. I am still at least one level removed from my say being the last on any given number, but there is still a sense of duty and honor about the whole thing that gets me in the end. Consequently, I spend way too much time looking at even the smallest reserve, and then end up having to stay late or signing in from home (like tonight) to finish in time enough to save face. Perhaps one day I shall put everything in the proper perspective and get into a better routine.

As I write "one day" above, I once again wonder how I will be able to do "this" for what must be at least another forty years, possibly longer. I probably have one of the cushiest jobs in the department based on workload, expectations, and ability-to-get-away-with-murder, but I still just can't see repeating this process year after year for that long. Besides, with each passing year, it will become more and more likely that they will eventually move my ass to another area (or worse yet, put somebody under me). I'm honestly surprised I've lasted five years. I sometimes wonder about the nature of my "protection" from rotation. I've been told on multiple occasions that I am highly desired in the department, and yet I remain where I am. That's not intended as a complaint, per se, as I don't think there is an area or manager I have a strong desire to work for, but it's still somewhat disconcerting.

Regarding the Future and thinking back to the conversation with Papí at lunch yesterday, my mind returns to a question he posed to me: "So, what are your plans for the year?". I remember turning my head away to avert his gaze, pretending to be in some kind of deep thought for a few seconds, then turning back and saying that I essentially had none. He wasn't particularly moved by my response, and immediately went on to mention a couple of the things he wants to do. That's something about him that I have always found both attractive and irking to me: his constant optimism for the future and his incessant planning for it. I'm sure there are others who would observe him and say that what he does hardly qualifies as incessant or excessive, but in relation to me, it just boggles my mind. I often wish I had that kind of outlook and drive, which I believe is precisely why it both intrigues and angers me (this isn't rocket science).

(I know I was going somewhere with the previous paragraph but I just can't bring myself to finish knowing that I still have aerobics ahead of me and it's already 10 PM. I will switch to less substantive topics if only to continue the exercise.)

I finally could evade the Dumbass's assault of talk no longer. He came over at least twice today to speak (as usual) mostly of things that were of no consequence or interest to me. He will stop at people's cubes or offices and start talking about himself, his experiences, or his plans as if the captive audience were in dire need of being informed about such topics as a matter of course. I just don't get it. I (foolishly) asked about the tie-wearing, and the response was as expected (in both content and long-windedness). He did make one good point, though: people treat you differently when you are dressed a certain way (again, not rocket science).

As far as I could tell, T was out today. I wish I could just take random PTO days and not feel guilty about it (although she may have had a Good Reason).

I took the bandage off my ass last night where Dr. Jeff scraped off the Pimple of Death™. It hurts like a motherfucker! I hope it heals well. It sure can bleed when it wants to.

That's it for today if I still want to exercise. Thank God tomorrow is Friday (plus there is lunch with FREd), although I fear the weekend holds little hope for any true extended respite. I can't wait until March.

Back, Day Three: All Play and No Work

Tired as all fuck so can't say much tonight. Had surprise lunch with Papí at Sopraffina (OK, fine, I sort of invited myself, but he didn't stop me, and he sort of intimated he wanted me to go), which helped me get through the day, but I didn't accomplish shit. I'll have to work double-time tomorrow if I want to still take lunch on Friday with FREd and have some kind of weekend that doesn't involve my logging in from home (*not* a good habit to get into, even this time of year).

Conversation with Papí on the way back from lunch indicated he really was essentially icing FREd in the cafeteria yesterday. These men can be such babies.

Speaking of conversation, I didn't have that much to say to the man even after not seeing him for almost three weeks. Part of that is because I barely did a damn thing during that period, but still. I don't know why I find it hard to converse with people in person, even those I'm supposedly comfortable with (or maybe I'm not as comfortable as I claim to be with him, which is a distinct possibility). I'm pretty sure the passionate or infatuation period in that relationship (or whatever it should be called, I have issues with that word) is ova, which kind of makes me sad as I immediately project that out to what it will be like with FREd, which could be as soon as February. We did enjoy an elevator kiss, though, but only for one floor, which is like nothing since I kind of like to suck face. He did seem really satisfied, though, which functioned as a pick-me-up. I really need to somehow find my own man so I have more unrestricted access.

"Creative" IM status messages garnered a *lot* of attention, so I'm thrilled. Boss made me be active during one of the call-in meetings and FREd was on me instantly. He even joked that he was cyber-stalking me. He's definitely either really infatuated or really bored, or both (I think most things in Life are rarely truly just one thing or another).

T's belated Christmas gift was fabulous and approved of by both Papí and another fashionable coworker (and, more importantly, me). She did good, that's for sure. Can't wait to wear it for FREd on Friday.

The Dumbass continues to wear ties daily. I don't get it. Luckily, he hasn't sucked me in yet. It's like a record. That's one streak I don't mind continuing.

Nintendo announced the next Wii Zelda title is due out this year, which means we can expect something by November 2011, if we're lucky. *le sigh* DS 2 is also under development, supposedly with high-end graphics. Too bad they didn't think of that for Wii. I could so rant more about that issue, but can't now.

And now it's off to bed for what hopefully is ten hours of good sleep. I wish I could partner up with Sleep; that would be a long-term relationship I could definitely live with. I may have to settle for his brother (cousin?) Death instead.

Note: As I read over this, there is so much more I could expound upon, but I have to set some limits. I need better time management skillz like a motherfucker.

Back, Day Two: Scraped a New One

I have a bad feeling this blog is going to turn into a diary of sorts with far too many unmanaged and unwieldy bulleted lists masquerading as prose, but for now, I will run that risk in favor of continuing to keep it alive in its infancy. Some notes from today:

• Is it appropriate for medical staff (or other professionals) to address you as "sweetie" or "stud" just because they are gay and they know you are too? Two of the male nurses (one of whom is getting close to being an actual doctor by my assessment over the last eight months - ugh, I can't believe I've been going there for that long already) have engaged in this behavior with me. I suppose in some way I should likely be flattered, especially given my shitty self-image, but somehow it still rubs me the wrong way. Am I in reality a closet prude? It doesn't help that the close-to-doctor one (who used "stud" today) is the same one who was the first man to give me his phone number EVA, and then summarily failed to return my calls/messages/stood me up after just one phone conversation (speaking of which, that needs to get added to my first post). I love how he acts like it never even happened, too. This makes me wonder if he even means it, or if it's some misguided attempt at social lubrication. Either way, I don't really want to hear it from him. I don't like having smoke blown up my ass in general, although I must admit I am guilty of doing that to others relatively often. I think I have issues with hypocrisy, but that's for another time...
  
• The large "pimple" on my ass mentioned in my very first post was "scraped" off today and will be biopsied. I am curious to know what could survive that many assaults on it (pills, creams, and injections). How poetic would it be for me to have ass cancer?
  
• Managed to evade the Dumbass for yet another day. He's wearing ties now on a regular basis it seems (perhaps a New Year's resolution?). If he thinks that's going to earn his ass a promotion, he's dumber than I thought.
  
• T came over in the morning and asked to borrow $800. I think I may have said yes too quickly. I sometimes wonder if I am too trusting or naïve. Luckily, $800 became $600 by 4 PM, and then was totally erased by 9:40 PM when she called saying she no longer needed it. I'm glad I hadn't already cut the check (here's to procrastination!).
  
• FREd sent an opening e-mail this morning claiming that Papí was essentially "looking at him cross-ways" when they encountered each other in the cafeteria today. I almost wanted to forward it to both of them and say "I don't have time for this; could you all sort this out on your own?" but I'm glad I restrained myself. I would be lying if I said I didn't find what could be construed as jealousy over me to feel good, but I also wonder if FREd could also be sufficiently manipulative to have simply invented the charges in the first place. Are relationships (of any degree) worth this kind of silliness (because that's what it is)?
  
• Hater Girl actually gave me a gift (180° ear warmers with built in headphones) that was thoughtful and that I can actually use. I feel genuinely guilty...which will last until I have to do Coffee Day with her alone again.
  
• The Other AJ (I think his middle name starts with "J"...) gave me a bodybuilding anatomy book as a belated Christmas gift today. Another thoughtful gift, but I actually like him and got him a thoughtful gift too, so no guilt there. He did wrap it in "Hannah Montana" Christmas paper, though, claiming that, "it was all I had at home". (Does punctuation go inside or outside in quotes? I forget - *le sigh* - and to think that people come to me for editing jobs.) He can be a sarcastic fucker, so I'm chalking it up to that for the moment and assuming it's not a hint that he knows about me. Not like it matters. My IM status message tomorrow will make that bit abundantly clear anyway.
  

There was probably more, but it's already 11:45 PM and I haven't even started back and biceps yet. I've been eating a lot since I got home, so I can't afford to skip, even though my eyelids feel like they're made of lead.

Back, Day One

First day back OVA. Thank God. Didn't sleep well as usual the night before, but managed to muddle through somehow and got some actual work done to boot. Data is all coming in at the same time and there is pressure to get our own employee reserves out ASAP, but I think it's manageable. A few points:

• Initial reports indicate that my break was not the only significantly defective one.
  
• I managed to completely evade the Dumbass in exchange for about an hour at T's cube discussing her trip to the UK.
  
• Being off work IM sucks, but I'm getting things done; running into FREd by accident helped a *lot*. He can be so cute.
  

I missed my bedtime last night by a good two hours, but I was acting in the right spirit at least. I feel like today I was constantly on the cusp of doing the right thing. Even now, I'm trying to stay on the straight and narrow while also trying to make this blog something of a regular affair. I hate trying to find the middle ground/happy medium.

I will try to stay positive.

Here We Go Again, For the First Time

I begin this blog and move more formally into the cyberworld (is that even the right term?  I am so out of touch.) as this new decade is just beginning.  My friend commented that it is rather fitting that I start out so close to the New Year, and I find myself agreeing.  The longer I've been away from school and its off-cycle "year" (late August to early June), the more I find myself liking the true calendar year (although if pressed to describe exactly why, I would find it difficult to give specifics).

 
 

In step with that mindset and having read Noodles and Beef's New Year's-related post, I aim to replicate his chronological assessment of the prior year with respect to major events, rated as awesome, indifferent, or lame.  I don't have his skillz when it comes to formatting, but I'm going to take a stab at something semi-effective using Word and Excel 2007 and hope that it translates when I publish:

	Awesome	Indifferent	Lame
January			Auntie Lee died (didn't know her that well, especially toward the end, but affected my Mother quite a bit and it was a shitty time of year to boot)
February	First kiss (ever!), First sexual experience with a man, Came out to my Dad		First sexual experience was a bust (can you say erectile dysfunction?!)
March		Promoted to "grade level 18" at work (good because more money, bad because they could now put people under me!)
April	Started Accutane therapy		Dad died =(
May			Second sexual experience was a bust
June			Discovered rather sizable pimple on my ass (date is approximate, may have been there longer; started injections)
July			Third sexual experience was a bust (was starting to get annoying at this point)
August			Had terrible abdominal pains (first time I ever had to leave work sick; never found out what it was)
September	First lunch with FREd*
October		One-year anniversary of first lunch with Papí*
November	Had FREd* over to my house "to play video games", Finished Accutane therapy		Ass pimple remains after several injections (switch to cream)
December	First sexual experience with FREd*		Ass pimple continues to resist (switch to oral medication to no avail), Sexual experience with FREd* is a bust as well (I'm starting to get scared here), First trip to ER courtesy of abdominal pains similar to those from August (still don't know what they are)

*Aliases used to protect the Innocent

 

I may be forgetting something here or there (may edit later), but that notwithstanding, as you can see, there weren't that many major events to account for, which I believe says something (duh!). I find myself waffling back and forth between wanting that to change, and then hesitating, realizing how far out of my comfort zone I would have to go to do so. What gets me (and perhaps this is a serious wake-up call), is that Noodles and Beef is *only* 22 and has done/accomplished so much, while I am well into my 29th year and foundering upon rocks of mostly (OK, let's be honest, almost entirely) my own making. Unfortunately, work for me is über busy in January and February, so I've essentially written off those two months already, which is, in my opinion, a realistic psychological defensive move; however, I also realize how it could serve as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Hopefully my outlook will change if I can get a better handle on work from the get-go and not let distractions soak up precious Time. I've already decided to make myself unavailable on IM at work. Maybe that will be the first step of many away from Temptation...

 

P.S. I got so tired all of a sudden as I started proofing this. I *so* do not want to go back to work tomorrow. This holiday break was so incredibly defective. >:o( I may have to elaborate on that in the near future to get it out of my system and put it into some kind of context. =\ I hope it's not an omen for the rest of this year (or God forbid this decade)!