Long Weekend and 11 Years Later

This long weekend courtesy of Memorial Day was not nearly as productive as I had hoped. I think I overdid it on Saturday among errands, some serious yard work (for me anyway), and doing legs. I slept way less than I expected to Saturday night and accomplished nothing on Sunday as I completely crashed after an early dinner at Red Lobster (which seems to be wreaking havoc from a gastrointestinal standpoint this muggy Monday evening). Today was a bust, too, as all I did was watch episodes of American Dad that I had seen (sometimes many times) before.

The one thing I did finish (more or less) between Sunday and Monday was finalizing a 2009 (yes, 2009) Christmas card to an old high school friend. Friend in this context might be a little strong, as I was never super close with her and she always was a little too squeaky clean and religious for my taste. There is no way I could be open to her about being gay (although that might be more of a projection on my part, but still). Even if I could, my sexual orientation notwithstanding, all my friendships are ones that are very frank in terms of sex and general vulgarity, especially in terms of humor and general conversation, and I just don't see that sitting well with her sensibilities. Nevertheless, she is/was sweet and smart and clearly a good person, so I had trouble separating myself from her then, and now, for fear of being mean to someone so nice. As such, I continue to nurse the near-flatlining relationship along with once-a-year cards that resemble short stories in terms of length, all as belated as this one. Coincidentally, she e-mailed me just today saying she was in town and if I wanted to meet up, but luckily I was able to use the beginning-of-the-month-busy-period excuse in my rather short response, which eased my conscience somewhat.

There is one thing that I did find to be instructive as a result of having to bang out the latest of these letters: reading it from the perspective of one of those cliché "where-do-you-see-yourself-in-x-years" scenarios. If I had this in my hands 11 years ago, I don't think I would have been happy, but I'm not sure I would have been that surprised either. The letter is composed of eight short paragraphs, which if read solely for content in an unemotional fashion, could be summarized as follows (minus the sixth and eighth reserved for the obligatory general well-wishing):

1. Sorry this card is so late. Again.
   
2. Congratulations on being engaged. I am still single.
   
3. Has it been 11 years since we finished high school already? If there was a reunion, I didn't go.
   
4. I haven't travelled in years.
   
5. I'm still at the same job and am bored.
   
6. The Mother has her share of medical issues and we squabble occasionally, but we take it a day at a time.
   

However, the more I read and reread it before I printed it (I swear I have low-graded obsessive-compulsive disorder), the more I translated it in the following terms:

1. Yes, I'm still a dangerously bad procrastinator, likely terminally so.
   
2. I wish you congratulations only through clenched teeth as I resent all those who have found Love in another (wither, anybody?). I will probably be alone my whole Life and it's slowly driving me mad. Literally.
   
3. Time does indeed fly and I've wasted over a decade of it. The fact that I don't care about the reunion means I have difficulty forming long-term, serious connections/attachments to anybody but myself.
   
4. I have no ambition and cannot do anything for myself.
   
5. See #4. In addition, I'm actually quite unprofessional and haven't matured much since high school. In fact, I've probably regressed a little.
   
6. I will probably spend the next decade or so nursing the Mother through the evening of her Life and we're both far too similar to each other in terms of anti-social behavior for our own good.
   

I'm not entirely sure what the point of the above was now that I've finished writing it except possibly to illustrate to myself just how negatively I think/feel right now. Unfortunately, further analysis at this time is not possible, as I have to begin exercising if I want to get a decent amount of sleep (which is unlikely either way anyway). It all just seems very pointless is all, I suppose.

The Beginning of the End or More of the Same

As predicted, the time between blog entries continues to lengthen. I both do and do not have issues with that, but will not dissect that further here. For now I just need to recount a few of the major happenings since I last reflected (it's been long enough that I need to reread the most recent entries to even get my bearings; probably a sign that I don't have a good idea of where my Life truly is, which is not good):

• With respect to the Sister's request for $5K for the townhouse: yeah, that didn't happen. I originally said I would do it only for her to slide in and ask that I sign a gift letter that legally speaking meant she never had to return the money and that it was truly a gift to her (even thought she claimed she really would repay). Signing that would have meant that I wouldn't have had a leg to stand on to get my money back in a court of law, and based upon my Internet research, it's basically tantamount to loan/mortgage fraud since her having to pay me back compromises the underwriting of the home loan. I remember being so angry about the gift letter that I had to stay home from work the next day because I had a terrible headache (even after jerking off like four times, if memory serves, which normally would help alleviate such a headache). All I got in response to my "No" was "I understand.  No hard feelings -I really do understand", which I don't believe. We haven't heard from her since, but apparently my brother gave her the money. He probably resents me too since I have that kind of money to loan out and he doesn't. Whatever.
  
• My right knee somehow self-healed (thank God), so I can do squats again without having to worry about that (at least for now). I still don't know what caused it initially and what helped it heal, so for the moment I suppose I am vulnerable to succumbing to that again whenever it decides to act up. <shrugs> I also tried the "Manta Ray" in an attempt to reduce the perpetual reinjuring of the skin on one of my upper vertebra when doing squats, but unfortunately, it's not properly shaped for my back and shoulders, and since it's just straight plastic with no cushioning, it completely digs into the skin surrounding my clavicle. There goes $40 down the drain. *le sigh* At least FREd said that the bruise/callous/whatever wouldn't be a deal-breaker, assuming everything else were OK (at least to him, and he suspects for other guys as well, although he may have just been patronizing me; I assume everybody is nowadays, so I can never tell).
  
• And as that one problem goes away, two more crop up. Oh yes, that's right! The acne situation continues to deteriorate even though it seems I'm on more drugs than ever before. The chest is now literally in a pre-Accutane state, possibly even worse. The upper arms and shoulders are pretty bad as well. I would not take my shirt off for love or money, as the saying goes. Since I last wrote, I've been on two oral antibiotics (the second of which I believe is giving me a totally ugly, itchy, and bumpy rash on my left elbow, which is problem #2; as of last night I stopped taking that in hopes that it goes away, besides, I don't think it was helping anyway.) I also had to stop both topical treatments since they had given me a rash all over my chest and arms. The dermatologist told me to stop both for a while and then try each separately since we didn't know which one was causing the rash. I've been using the ClindaReach again for about five or six days, but it hasn't helped the chest *at all*, but it also hasn't caused a rash yet either.
  

  I've gotten so very down as a result of this. It's like a terrible version of Cinderella, an allusion (if that's even the right term) that I think I've used before. I just am so angry that I have tried and keep trying and this problem refuses to go away on a consistent basis. It also doesn't help that I did experience near-good skin for a couple of months (something I hadn't had for years, possibly coming on decades), and then it was snatched away from me again. It's kind of related to that old adage, "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before". I'm not quite sure I believe that, both as it relates to Love and to good skin. Of course everybody around me (and I do mean everybody) seems to think that I'm overreacting. However, virtually none of them, except the Mother, has seen the problem for themselves, and probably never will, as I'm too embarrassed. I've become so focused/down on myself (selfish) and negative about this that I think it's starting to turn off friends and coworkers. It's definitely not hot in a number of ways. More on this below.
  

• I never did get a response from Noodles and Beef regarding my questions about his workout in one of his blog entries. Oh well.
  
• The situation with FREd has had some pretty major swings since I last wrote, and unfortunately, due to time constraints, I will likely oversummarize here. Things eventually came to a head regarding how I felt about his no longer being physically intimate with me and my feeling used. We went a few days without speaking (at all) at one point, and I left quite a few IM status message barbs for him to see, which upset him since I was using that as a defensive coping mechanism instead of actually communicating (and he was right). We eventually had a long talk over coffee about how I felt used and how much I missed the physical intimacy in our relationship and how I even resented him, and he did acquiesce that he contributed to those feelings. He said that he never wanted/intended to use me and that he really didn't because he legitimately cares for me and wouldn't have done anything like what we did with anybody else. At the time and immediately after I didn't feel fully satisfied with that, but about a week later, something in my mind just "clicked" I think, and I have very little resentment left for him. In fact, yesterday we spent an afternoon together basically running domestic errands and had a ball. Things are still a bit awkward regarding what is appropriate physical contact, but the conversation is much better and there isn't even that much apprehension regarding sexual innuendo in that respect, which I think is a really good sign. Things are not perfect, but I'm happy (currently) with where the relationship is, or perhaps more accurately, I think the relationship is in as good a place as it can be given the circumstances. I still want more, and I still hold out some Hope, but I think I'm putting less pressure on the whole thing, which seems to be helping.
  
• Nevertheless, the really shitty acne situation, in combination with the lack of access to physical intimacy and the increasing loss of interest in my job, has me thinking my Life has no real future. I can't see myself in a very happy place again anytime soon. I keep looking for meaning, but find none. I've asked a lot of people what they're living for, and I have gotten consistent responses (making happy memories, being with/enjoying time with family and friends, etc.), but I find little solace in them. Asking a question like that also has elicited questions as to the motivation behind it, which when answered with my very negative responses, has provoked many people to say that I am far too hard on myself and that I really should go talk to a professional. That suggestion is further stressed when I mention how I've started to add a request for my own Death in my daily prayers (of course subject to the restriction that my Mom is OK if I were to pass). I know it's selfish, but frankly, I really wouldn't mind a quick and premature end right about now. Until that time comes or my situation improves, I continue to go through the motions. <shrugs>
  

There were a few more tidbits I would have liked to add, but I really would like to publish this tonight and I have to start exercising (why I continue to bother with that is beyond me). I really would have liked to have elaborated a bit more on the FREd situation and I kind of just did a "hit and run" with respect to the wanting to die thing, but for now I believe that will have to do. I suppose I should revisit this blog in a couple of days, but as before, I suspect I will not realistically write again for two months plus. I just hope things are a lot better by then if that's the case. I would love to read/write that my skin has cleared, the rashes are nowhere to be found, am either intimate with FREd again or have finally found my own man, even if it is just temporary, and have stopped praying for my own demise, but at this point, I don't think that's likely.

P.S. Many people (e.g., Papí, his partner, FREd, T, etc.) keep asking me to go to gay-themed events or places, but I keep turning them down because of how I feel (re: my skin situation) and how being in those places/situations would just make me sad. I fucking hate that.