Well, work was productive enough today. Transferred the Super Smash Bros. Brawl MP3s to the work computer and listened to some of them all the way through for the first time...and was underwhelmed. I don't think it helps that some of the tracks loop. Some of the songs were meant to only be played through one two- or three-minute brawl at a time. <shrugs> Also had somewhat embarrassing washroom incident with my VP, but it is a public restroom after all, so these things are bound to happen. <shrugs yet again> I don't think I'll ever get over that inhibition, not even with a partner (who doesn't exist).
FREd called about ten minutes before I left the house for work. I was kind of irked, although it's better that I was there so he didn't have to chat with The Mother in my stead; that would *not* have gone well. He had sent two e-mails that I had not seen since I sent mine very early Monday morning and was concerned that I was upset, which is really adorable and all that, but probably only if we were actual boyfriends or partners. I suppose this should be "normal" behavior between two close friends, but somehow I'm just not getting it, especially with the trial that looms ahead. It's the exact opposite of the behavior that will be appropriate very soon (hell, even now), so I was very uneasy on the phone (not like I'm a master of that mode in the first place). I lied through my teeth while he gushed on the other end and tried to give me a hard time. Again, in a different context, this would have made my day, but it was a nuisance, at best.
And I know, I should be (and think I am) flattered that somebody should show any interest whatsoever, let alone this bordering-on-clinginess, but he's unavailable and I got too close. If I were smart, I'd probably be trying my damnedest to make the most of these next two or three weeks before he gets into it with his partner, but I'm so much more comfortable with retreating into my shell like I had been for so many years. Sometimes I think I pursue allow myself to be pursued by these men precisely because I know they are unavailable. It's convenient for them since they can just go back to their partners or other men-on-the-side if they tire of me. In a sense, it's convenient for me, as well, as I can use their unavailability as an excuse should I either fail or succeed more than I want.
I'm seriously considering reverting to the Original Plan. Then again, I don't want to seem like a fair-weather friend, either. These men (especially FREd) have been so generous with me. It would be terrible on my part not to be there for FREd during the upcoming events involving his partner. Then again, that is an intensely private and internal affair (the Prime Directive from the Star Trek series seems relevant as an influence here).
What's really bad is that I got an e-mail sent from Papí's cell phone today saying that his "surgery went well". I had completely forgotten that he was having any! =X I didn't even wish him well beforehand. I wonder if he noticed. I sent a "get well" e-mail and am considering getting a card and some dark chocolate tomorrow, but I'm not sure. The FREd issue has totally moved my focus away from him. I do feel guilty, but in a very qualified way.
I could drone on, but it's after 4 AM and tomorrow (today) will likely be the most difficult of the remaining four days this week, and as usual, I'm going into it with basically no sleep. How much longer can I keep doing this?
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