Back to Square Zero

It would almost be nice to say that the dearth of entries recently has been due to extreme productivity at work and the need for subsequent rest, but alas, it's more like my fucked up sleep/exercise schedule continues unabated. I'm basically on the every-other-day workout routine at this point, which results in some seriously fucked up workdays. Someday the other shoe will drop, or whatever the saying is, and I'll be forced to change my ways.

A summary of major happenings the last two weeks or so:

• Two weekends ago, did dinner and a movie with FREd. It was our first one since we reconciled, and I was really looking forward to it. We got seats at the very back of a small viewing room to see Legion, which I originally thought was a good thing, until we realized that being up against the back wall limited movement of both the chair backs and most importantly, the armrest in between. It was also pretty crowded, and the (straight) couple next to us talked almost the whole time, but we made the best of it. Man I love the way he smells. The movie was unspectacular (what little I actually saw).
  

  We went to The Cheesecake Factory afterward and actually got a pretty good seat despite its being insanely crowded. FREd did the sweetest thing while we were waiting: he said he had to go to the restroom, so I held his coat, and as he comes back, he's bringing a beer for himself and a chocolate martini for me. He really is so thoughtful and adorable, which is why I cried twice during dinner. Things are picking up speed with respect to his partner and their working things out, so I we don't know how our relationship will change, especially physically. I've grown very attached to this man, way more so than with Papí. The thing is, even if the existing relationship didn't exist, there would still be so many obstacles to making this work, most of them in my court, but I still can't help thinking that there was such a sense of possibility/potential between us. Life is a fucking trip, that's for sure. The dinner itself was really fun, despite the water works, and overall it was one of the nicest evenings I've ever had. As I said in my post-"date" e-mail, I felt very close to him, both physically and emotionally.
  

• If I remember correctly, and my memory does tend to suck ass, starting at the beginning of February, I've been burping *way* more than normal. They're usually not huge belches or anything, but the frequency is definitely way beyond what I would consider "normal" (I hate that word in a health context). This happened at the beginning of December 2009, too, I think (again memory fuzzy), but it didn't last this long and it was self-correcting, so I don't know what's going on. I have some theories, none of them pretty, but for now, I will take a wait-and-see approach. My physical should be in May, but if this continues for too much longer or gets worse, I will have to go see the doctor. I swear, the last two years I have doctored more than I have in the entire rest of my Life. I must be getting old, or something.
  
• Had pre-Valentine's Day lunch with Papí at Grand Lux. Conversation was pretty good, but the threat of awkward silences continues. We're definitely not in the same place we were a year ago when he gave me my first kiss (ever). He also spent more on me than I did on him with respect to giftage, which made me feel bad. Up until now I probably overspent on him (on an objective basis, or at least based on what everybody has told me), so I figured I would take it down a notch. <shrugs> We did have a nice kiss on the elevator ride back up, though. I still care about him a lot, and I believe the feeling is mutual, but the fact remains that for now, at least, things there have definitely cooled down.
  
• Had my review. I got the lowest rating ever since I started working there ("3" - Met Objectives, or something to that effect). I had said up until then that I really didn't care that much about the whole review thing, even if I got a lower score, but actually seeing it on paper (or on screen in this case, everything is done online now, even the signature) gave me a little pause. However, I'm over it. The boss and I had a conversation and she said I would have been a 4 (above average) if this new scoring system allowed rounding, but apparently it doesn't. There was also the (known) issue about continuing education and the fact that they were trying to forcibly reduce the number of 4's and 5's to get a normal distribution, so it was pretty much inescapable. We did talk more about the continuing education requirement, and it's possible I might get out of a good deal of it going forward, which was probably the highlight of the conversation. I was quite frank about a couple of observations, which I felt good about being assertive/bold enough to mention, but they're not worth repeating here. Still don't know what my raise or bonus is, but hell, in this economy, any positive increase at all is frosting on the cake.
  
• Had post-Valentine's Day lunch with FREd, which was also very good. He brought his giftage with him to the restaurant, which I wasn't expecting (I didn't bring mine, so he's still waiting on that). Again, he was super thoughtful and actually remembered that like at least two months ago I mentioned something about liking the pineapple-cilantro scent that Yankee Candle makes, and got me a big one of those. Thoughtful/sweet and budget-appropriate! He is so adorable. He also returned the Blu-Ray cash that I gave back to him as reparations for my little silent-treatment episode, gave me a belated Christmas gift (another A&F shirty, sweatery thing which is really tight on me, but I hesitate to wear [more on that below]), and saved me some of the Rice Krispies treats he baked (they were good, too!). The conversation was fun (so much more comfortable than with Papí, sad to say) and the entire experience really helped brighten my day for a Monday. Sadly, that didn't last long, which leads me to...
  
• ...Yes, oh yes, it seems like my biggest fear since going off the Accutane has come true: the pimples may very well be returning! >:o( Last night while exercising I noticed a couple on my shoulder and back, and when I went upstairs to (compulsively) check them out in the mirror, I noticed my chest had a couple more than normal (even after the Accutane, the chest tends not to cooperate, at least not for any material period of time). I instinctively popped the shoulder and back ones, but they kind of got angry and all red and are still that way today. I think I saw another big one forming right at the top of my back this morning. It could just be a temporary outbreak, but it hasn't been this bad in a long time (which I'm sure on some kind of absolute basis is not *that* bad, certainly compared to how I was for, like, my whole Life since puberty). However, I had gotten so incredibly used to having near-good skin. So much of my self-esteem (which is fragile to being with, sometimes nonexistent) is tied to my skin quality, and I have this terrible fear that if this really does come back in force, I will regress into a deep depression from which I shall not emerge. No joke. I *cannot* go back to the way things were. I just can't. Luckily, thus far, the face has remain immune, although I've been applying Clearasil regularly before I go to bed for weeks now as a defensive measure back when I had one or two show up even after the Accutane, but who knows how long that will last? If they come back there, I don't know what I will do because people have to see my face. At least the chest/back/abdomen I can cover up (not like that's desirable, at least for me). Also, FREd never knew me pre-Accutane, so I don't even know if I could face him (literally) if I started having problems on my face. I'm sure he'd say he doesn't care, but I don't believe him or his thought processes/motives (although that is likely a personal problem). All I can say is that I'm gonna bitch when I go back to the dermatologist in early March. Speaking of which, the liquid nitrogen therapy still has my ass scabbed up, and sometimes it even hurts. They've been treating that stupid area of skin for well over a half-year. If they say they have to freeze it again, I'm gonna scream.
  

  Anyway, the outbreak had me completely deflated today. I didn't sign on IM at all. I told both Papí (who asked after me) and FREd (who I warned, in an attempt to show my efforts at avoiding lack of communication, which is what precipitated the falling out a few weeks back) that I was low, but didn't go into any detail. I've been down that road of self-pity with both of them before, so I hesitate to say anything lest I come off like I'm fishing for compliments, which I'm not. Hell, FREd says I'm hot in almost every in-person conversation I have with him, almost to the point of its being annoying, again, mostly because I don't believe him (on either an absolute or "niche-y" scale, as he's put it).
  

  I spent most of the day "dotting" (read: checking) numbers while watching/listening to The Hours. I hadn't watched it all the way through in months, probably because I was actually relatively happy overall. That's definitely one of my commiserating movies. In fact, I don't have many others, and I need to find some more. Anyway, I found myself moping around and finding it hard to come up with the energy to do everyday tasks. Eating is especially off-putting. I'm also not exercising tonight because all I want to do is sleep. Besides, what's the point in having a good shape if the skin sucks? Nevertheless, I won't' stop completely, mostly out of Fear. Which brings me to the A&F shirt: how can I wear that when it is tantamount to false advertising? =\
  

• T was out of the office like almost an entire week at one point. Snow and some kind of gastrointestinal/reproductive issue kept her at bay. Plus she's still been kind of down lately. Hater Girl has had some GI issues lately, too, supposedly with gluten. I have my own issues as well, but embarrassment keeps me from revealing them yet in this forum (which is silly, I know). Regardless, sometimes I think having a GI tract is seriously overrated.
  

More likely happened, but I think I got the major events out there. I'm not sure where my current shitty mood is going to take me. I have to be careful not to retreat too far inward, lest I end up being a fair-weather friend of sorts to the few who put up with my bullshit as it is. Nevertheless, it's hard not to engage in splitting or black-and-white thinking here (I confess, I did some psychological reading on Wiki at work today). I almost certainly could be diagnosed with some of that stuff (borderline personality disorder, body dysmorphic disorder come to mind). I wonder if I'll ever seriously entertain the idea of therapy. I'd like to think I could get that kind of support from "everyday" people, but perhaps my jaded attitude is unjustified. I dunno. All I know is that I'm tired and I want to go to bed. If I'm lucky, all the pimples will go away while I sleep. (How hard should I laugh?)