Letdown and Exhaustion

Again, it's been a while since I last wrote anything, and frankly, there's little excuse except that I've been lazy. I will note that October 2010 was the most difficult month at work in a *long* time. The combination of setting quarterly reserves, doing quarterly reporting, and the slew of miscellaneous data/analysis requests made of me due to a "fire drill" forced me to work harder than I have in what seems like ages. I even came into the office once or twice and I know I worked a couple of days from home, not to mention several late, late nights. These first two weeks of November have also not let up as much I had wanted, so I'm looking forward to what should be an easier week this week, as well as Thanksgiving break, although the latter is already compromised by having to go my brother's place up in Wisconsin. I'm trying to remain positive, but it's not easy.

I also noticed that October saw a great deal of retreat in terms of my social interaction. I cancelled lunches and other engagements left and right, and not just with the typical work people (I think I turned Papí's husband down at least twice, a fact he pointed out very directly in his last e-mail, so I fear I may have angered him a bit, although Papí disagrees). I was tired and just couldn't handle it. I also have become very conscious, more than ever, as I've noticed it many times before, of just how different I am in textual interactions (IM, e-mail) versus in person (I won't even address being on the phone as it's a lost cause). For example, I am capable of making Papí and FREd lol all the time on IM, and always have something to say, ask, or otherwise discuss, but as soon as I'm there in person, the conversation (at least from my end) dries right up. It's very disturbing. I suspect it has something to do with the lack of immediacy of the other media and the ability for me to use the Internet as a source of material upon which to draw. I definitely have to work on it, no matter what, but I don't know how. I suspect it will simply be a matter of increased experience, but I'm also worried that the longer I engage in this reduced amount of socializing, the more difficult it will be to actually force myself to undergo that additional exposure.

Anyway, I need to write these blog posts more often, and I think I'm often intimidated to do so because I think they have to be perfect. So, in an effort to dispel that obsession, I'm going to try simply writing (relatively) short bullet points just to get items of interest out there before I forget, and not worry so much if they're not brilliant or detailed or what have you. Admittedly, I've done the bullet point over true prose thing before (actually, almost every time), but I'm really going to try to focus on being somewhat succinct just to get more of my thoughts "on paper". And with that rationalization firmly in place, here we go with items since I last wrote:

• Still on Accutane therapy. Was on 120mg the last two months since I last posted, and I would have preferred to have been at 160mg for at least one of those months. I finally got my wish with this latest appointment in early November. However, the side effects, which I claimed were not that bad when I last wrote, came back with a vengeance in the interim, including nosebleeds/runny nose and a rash on the hands at times. We'll see how much worse they get once I start 160mg (I've rationed out my prior prescription instead of going straight to 160mg since I want the total time to be maximized, not total dosage per day, mostly because I'm convinced it's all going to come back soon after I'm off it).
  
• Anxiety about my age continues to come and go now on a semi-regular basis. I don't look forward to turning 30 in this state.
  
• I've started doing Kegel exercises in an attempt to ward off the ED and to enhance my orgasms. It's helped, but not as much as I wanted or as consistently as I'd like either. However, I simply may not have worked my number of sets/reps up to the level I need to. I've had a regimen I printed from the Internet lying on my desk for a good deal of the last two months, but have not fully read it let alone implemented it. I have a tendency to do that with any new exercise regimen. I'm so afraid of change and the possibility of it not working, and the resulting consequences (i.e., loss of gains), that I never actually get around to changing anything. I need to fix that, both here, and with my regular lifting workout, as my gains have been stagnating, or even outright decreasing. Maybe over this upcoming break I can finally get started.
  
• I wanted to buy a matching hat for the coat I bought with H in Boyztown several months ago, but upon inspecting it again before my prospective purchase, I discovered that one of those security tags that explodes ink all over the garment when tampered with is still on it. =( The first annoying thing about that is that I now have to go all the way back to the store and have that removed. The even more annoying thing is that when I went to go tell The Mother the news, I had said, "Remember that coat I bought with [H]?". She then says, "You mean the one that screams 'gay'?". It was downhill from there, at least in terms of that immediate conversation. I guess she was right when she said we would never see eye to eye on issues of dress. We'll see what others say once they see it on me, although everybody I've described it to says it's not gay and she's overreacting. <shrugs>
  
• Speaking of her overreacting, this last Wednesday night I left a candle burning downstairs after I had turned in for the evening (it had been a long night as I had worked a couple hours from home *and* exercised, all on a work night, so I was expectedly out of it as I headed upstairs to bed). I came home Thursday night and she was upset and said I was no longer allowed to burn candles down there. We haven't been on truly speaking terms since. I'm annoyed both because I'm being treated like a teenager (at best) and also that I must have close to $150 worth of candles down there that are basically useless (including a couple FREd gave to me as gifts). Admittedly, it was my fault, but it's just overkill in terms of her response. I'm holding my ground for now, but I don't know if I'll win this one. It is her house, after all, so I guess it's her rules. It's times like these that I really wish I had my own place. =/
  
• With respect to the bar incident with FREd I discussed at length in my last post…yeah, that kind of went nowhere. A short period after that encounter, we were walking back from having lunch together at work and he did offer to have another of those sessions with me where we hold each other for hours on end (oh, how I miss that). I initially hesitated in that moment, realizing that it could make things more difficult if we crossed that line again (although I guess we already had to some extent based on that evening at the bar). He made an explicit mention of how he was making this offer almost in an attempt to give me more say, or more directly, more power in the relationship. I countered, in my typically overanalytical way, that he could be trying to give me something I really didn't have or couldn't keep or something like that, and he was taken aback, having realized that he maybe hadn't thought this one through all the way. Regardless, I texted him (via e-mail) that same night saying my answer was yes to such an encounter and that the ball was in his court. I figured I was getting another chance, and I might not get another one, so I had to act fast.
  

  Unfortunately, nothing came of it right away. I don't recall bringing it up, as I didn't want to pressure him. A couple of weeks later (I think), we had another lunch and I asked how he was doing with progress with his partner, and he said that things had actually been improving markedly. I was immediately saddened by this (which I know is selfish; there is a part of me that is happy they're doing better), and I got around to asking what that meant for the offer he had made, and he basically said we had to table that for the time being, *AGAIN*. I was mad, but didn't say so. Instead, I did my usual thing where I go all kind of distracted and unresponsive, and the rest of the lunch was rather quiet (we walked back soon after). I remember thinking on the walk back that I wanted to reject the inevitable hug in the elevator, but I obliged him anyway. However, it was definitely the coldest hug we had ever had together, and I could tell he knew that and how I felt (he even admitted explicitly so in a later conversation). This was right before a weekend (either a Thursday or Friday), and I know we didn't talk at all until at least the next Monday or Tuesday. I remember that weekend being furious with him and talking out loud to myself for hours about how I was through with this back and forth and running hot and cold, but I ultimately calmed down and we talked it through at some point later the next week. I'm glad we did, but I'm still genuinely disappointed that I really think our truly intimate period is over, for better or for worse. =( Oh well. For now, we're on pretty good terms, but we haven't done a lot lately since he's been super busy, both at work and at home. Also, he's usually pretty occupied during the holidays and is out of town a lot then too, and then before you know it, it's year-end time, and then we're both screwed since we're so busy with work. As such, I don't hold out much hope for a lot of interaction in the next three or four months, which is sad, but may also be good. I need to be not so attached to him, it's as simple as that.
  

• Speaking of FREd, I fucked up his birthday gift by not getting to his desk on time when I stayed late the night before. I took too long actually writing out the card (at work), and then got distracted by doing some actual work, and before I knew it, it was after 8 PM, and I no longer have access to his floor after that hour, so I missed surprising him with it on his chair when he walked in on his actual birthday. =( I also didn't get a chance to see him on his birthday since he was busy and left while I was out getting lunch. I even forgot to bring it to him when we met up the next week, so I *still* have it in my desk at work as I write this. I feel quite bad about it, especially since he kind of went all out for my birthday this year, but he says he doesn't mind. I guess I'm lucky he's not one who gets all excited about their birthday (something he's stressed many times in the past, i.e., he's not saying it just as a result of this incident to make me feel better, or at least that's how it's to be taken if he is true to his word).
  
• I don't look forward to the holidays, at all, especially having to get gifts. At least Papí's will be easy, as I'm getting him an iPhone 4 like I got T an iPhone 3GS for her birthday a while back. If The Dowager knew that I'd gotten two people phones and yet *I* still don't have one, she'd throw a shit fit!
  
• Finally created an iTunes account today to try to redeem a gift card I got from last year's family Christmas gift game. So far, I'm not that impressed by iTunes, at all. Amazon.com's download service or even regular CDs seem to be cheaper. Even the selection is not what I expected. Then again, I've only started. I hope it changes my mind.
  
• I have a movie and dinner date with Papí scheduled for this Friday (or at least I think it's just with him, it could be with his husband, too; I *really* need to find out). I'm not sure how much I really want to go to be honest. This will be the first movie I've seen in like maybe half a year and even longer since I went where I would have make-out opportunities. I find myself very unattracted to Papí these days, and I don't know quite how to get that across without insulting him. One of my coworkers suggested I allow myself to be kissed, but just make it really uncomfortable, like I did when I hugged FREd when I was angry; hopefully the point will be taken and it won't be an immediate issue. I just feel bad because I feel like I have no right to turn any willing body away. I have a bad feeling I was attracted to him more at the very beginning because he was the first person (of any objective attractiveness) that showed interest in me, and in a pretty unrelenting way, and I just went with it because I was sick of waiting. It's not to say he's not attractive at all, or even objectively so like I just cited, but I just don't feel that into it. I often feel like I'm "cheating" on FREd, too, which is almost unreal, and certainly absurd. The bad part is that Papí actually was deprssed for the past few months, and after finally going to his doctor, he found out it was due to low testosterone. If he gets his libido back and comes after me, it will be a delicate situation to have to navigate. <shrugs>
  

I think that's the bulk of it since I last wrote. Even if not, I have to get better at just jumping on and scribbling down a couple of bullet points as they come to me instead of writing book-length entries that try to be more than they are.

I just hope I can squeeze some value out of the last six weeks of this year, but as usual, I'll keep my expectations low in hopes I'm pleasantly surprised, or at least not terribly disappointed. Gotta go exercise now and get to bed.