“I never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude.” - Henry David Thoreau
High school seniors were allowed a caption of a few words beneath their photo in the yearbook, and the quote above is what I chose (looking through Google now shows me I may have misquoted with the indefinite article, and there is a palpable, if not also material, difference). I'm not sure I believed it then, but I'm virtually certain I don't completely believe it now.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Basic Tenets for the Summer and Beyond
I need to figure out what makes me happy and pursue that (very good advice courtesy of H, per usual).
I also need to accept the fact that FREd will never be my man and move on with my Life.
You point out in your previous entry, regarding the letter to L, that there is a disconcerting discrepancy between how you project yourself and what you perceive as the more sincere though gruesome truth. Happiness is an abstract ideal that is best pursued indirectly through means of being honest with others and oneself, open to new experiences and ideas, and committed to the absurd endeavor that is life. In short, Effort confronted is actually easier and more enjoyable than an aversion to it.
There's no reason you can't come out to L, or anyone for that matter. In fact, you need to say it. You need to say it, again and again, until it becomes something you can say with the utmost passing casualness to anyone. (And I can't see L having issue with it.) I think it would do you wonders, not to feel like you're hiding something. (This doesn't mean that you have to tell everyone, only that you develop a comfort with it to the degree that you could tell anyone; this'll give you back control.)
As for FREd, I think you need to turn that statement around and think about why he's not good enough for you. Think about what you want for yourself, not in terms of others, but solely in terms of yourself. From what you've told me, I don't get the feeling that FREd is meeting those needs nor can.
Don't restrict yourself with excuses. Use this summer to step outside your boundaries.
Come visit us in St. Louis if you have the time; I know some places you'd really like and I think it would be a refreshing break from your routine. :-)
You are right about L, I think. I prolly could come out to her without much of a problem (she does live in California, after all), but I think it's more that I don't feel like I need to share any "real" information about myself with her anymore because I don't want to breathe too much life back into that relationship. I want to keep it at arm's length, as it were, which is probably being unfair both to her and to me. If I'm going to be that privy with information, I should probably just let the friendship fade to black. But then the feelings of guilt set in when I think too much about not replying to her yearly Christmas cards. Maybe I'll send her a wedding gift/card in the fall and then just let it end there.
Regarding coming out to people in general: again, you're right, and I think I'm slowly starting to become more in possession of that facet of my being. I came out to another female coworker a week or two ago and it went over pretty well. I just still hesitate sometimes because I see no point in revealing that potentially dangerous fact when there is no real benefit to it (which is probably where the fallacy in my logic falls). I should not be ashamed or even really afraid to say it. I think it will come with continued practice and (hopefully) additional positive experiences. At least all mine thus far have been positive, which is more than many people can say. I still hold back from family (in particular my half-siblings), though, in particular, because I don't feel like they really have the right to know, almost as if they haven't earned it, partially because I don't respect them or their opinion. That one may yet take some serious time.
It's really too bad about FREd. If things were just a little (ok, substantially) different, I would so have tried to marry that man (which I conveyed to him recently). I don't think it's so much that he's not good enough for me, just that the situation is not conducive to what I need/want, which you pointed out. Getting over him is going to be tough, though. I could easily see myself taking a year or two. =\
I do need to do something this summer, I believe, or I'm going to go nuts. I find myself recently, especially on weekends, in the basement with an increasing sense of dread and anxiety. Sometimes I even feel like I'm hyperventilating. I'm afraid that if I don't do something to get out of myself soon, I may very well have a panic attack. All the years prior to this last year-and-a-half or so, I thought I could do the lone wolf thing, to be cliché, but after having a taste of companionship and physicality, I don't think I can do another 40 (50? 60?) years of isolation. If I do go mad, though, it could be an interesting case study. Maybe if I hold on to just enough of my faculties to document it somehow, it might be worth exploring. Only Time will tell (or is that another self-fulfilling fallacy?).
An Addendum.
ReplyDeleteYou point out in your previous entry, regarding the letter to L, that there is a disconcerting discrepancy between how you project yourself and what you perceive as the more sincere though gruesome truth. Happiness is an abstract ideal that is best pursued indirectly through means of being honest with others and oneself, open to new experiences and ideas, and committed to the absurd endeavor that is life. In short, Effort confronted is actually easier and more enjoyable than an aversion to it.
There's no reason you can't come out to L, or anyone for that matter. In fact, you need to say it. You need to say it, again and again, until it becomes something you can say with the utmost passing casualness to anyone. (And I can't see L having issue with it.) I think it would do you wonders, not to feel like you're hiding something. (This doesn't mean that you have to tell everyone, only that you develop a comfort with it to the degree that you could tell anyone; this'll give you back control.)
As for FREd, I think you need to turn that statement around and think about why he's not good enough for you. Think about what you want for yourself, not in terms of others, but solely in terms of yourself. From what you've told me, I don't get the feeling that FREd is meeting those needs nor can.
Don't restrict yourself with excuses. Use this summer to step outside your boundaries.
Come visit us in St. Louis if you have the time; I know some places you'd really like and I think it would be a refreshing break from your routine. :-)
Wonderful words of Wisdom, as always.
ReplyDeleteYou are right about L, I think. I prolly could come out to her without much of a problem (she does live in California, after all), but I think it's more that I don't feel like I need to share any "real" information about myself with her anymore because I don't want to breathe too much life back into that relationship. I want to keep it at arm's length, as it were, which is probably being unfair both to her and to me. If I'm going to be that privy with information, I should probably just let the friendship fade to black. But then the feelings of guilt set in when I think too much about not replying to her yearly Christmas cards. Maybe I'll send her a wedding gift/card in the fall and then just let it end there.
Regarding coming out to people in general: again, you're right, and I think I'm slowly starting to become more in possession of that facet of my being. I came out to another female coworker a week or two ago and it went over pretty well. I just still hesitate sometimes because I see no point in revealing that potentially dangerous fact when there is no real benefit to it (which is probably where the fallacy in my logic falls). I should not be ashamed or even really afraid to say it. I think it will come with continued practice and (hopefully) additional positive experiences. At least all mine thus far have been positive, which is more than many people can say. I still hold back from family (in particular my half-siblings), though, in particular, because I don't feel like they really have the right to know, almost as if they haven't earned it, partially because I don't respect them or their opinion. That one may yet take some serious time.
It's really too bad about FREd. If things were just a little (ok, substantially) different, I would so have tried to marry that man (which I conveyed to him recently). I don't think it's so much that he's not good enough for me, just that the situation is not conducive to what I need/want, which you pointed out. Getting over him is going to be tough, though. I could easily see myself taking a year or two. =\
I do need to do something this summer, I believe, or I'm going to go nuts. I find myself recently, especially on weekends, in the basement with an increasing sense of dread and anxiety. Sometimes I even feel like I'm hyperventilating. I'm afraid that if I don't do something to get out of myself soon, I may very well have a panic attack. All the years prior to this last year-and-a-half or so, I thought I could do the lone wolf thing, to be cliché, but after having a taste of companionship and physicality, I don't think I can do another 40 (50? 60?) years of isolation. If I do go mad, though, it could be an interesting case study. Maybe if I hold on to just enough of my faculties to document it somehow, it might be worth exploring. Only Time will tell (or is that another self-fulfilling fallacy?).
Thanks again for your insight!